Does such a thing exist?
I heave a sigh, looking out of the panes of my window. It’s raining today. It doesn’t usually rain here in Southern California but I like the change of pace. It reminds me of the song “I’m only happy when it rains….”
Each drop tears down my cheek. Why do I bother. Why do I create this sense of hope? Why does it tag me along so painfully. I’m just going to be thrown in the mud again.
I hate the word why. I say it too frequently. I never get an answer.
I see her. In my mind, its sunny, ooh and its warm. We are perfect. The flaws I have in me, the flaws she holds in her own, are canceled by our collective strengths. We, together, hold each other up. Fuck the world, because we have each other! And that is all that matters. All my accomplishments, all my sorrows, we share into them. The sun shines its fiery rays and out grows an unmistakable tree, one that does not move as the winds tell it to move. It does not suffer at night. It does not die in the wintertime. It is strong and it is perfect.
Is it winter still? I’m not sure, but it sure feels like it is. The coldness, the rain, these things have become my home. The weather is nice to stay indoors for, but its lonely when you are here alone.
Dear Lord, dear God, Allah, Jehovah, Yaweh, Vishnu, bodhisattvas, can you hear me? I call out to you! I know you are there, I know you exist, please o please deliver me from this land of constant sorrow! Is it too selfish to call out for a miracle? Please, I would give anything, anything, for her to love me. She showed me she could, but ran away in fear. I suffer everyday without her! We would be so perfect together, and I would share my love with the world! I am afraid I cannot love anyone else….she was the only one who seemed to care. Make her care again….I would protect her and nourish her with all that I am.
A miracle.
Without one, I am lost. I am dead. I am already dead, its the hope for her that brings me back to life. But everytime she disapoints me, or comes close enough to reject me again, I fall. Into that dark abyss. No more. I will not survive it again. Life is pain in every avenue. But, I would gladly take it on….with her. But I cannot live like this alone. Please, I do not want to be alone. I may die alone.
I need a Miracle.
2 comments
I’m in a similar situation. It just feel like you had the biggest luck in the world finding that one and only person that allow you to be 110% yourself, only to be so sad losing her.
I can’t care of anyone else. Maybe I will find someone else that will love me even more, but I know I’ll can’t give back, I will just feel forever that empty hole that can’t be filled by anything and anyone, not even her, because I know she doesn’t love me anymore.
To me it’s a life sentence.
How about more than one miracle?
A single miracle or love is crushed under the weight of us and consumes all of our energy.
A home is not built on a single pillar and trees grow best in forests.
Rain is soothing and cozy. It falls on all of us at once and we must slow down in it presence.
I hate being alone so much and would love to share a home with someone and a life with someone and snuggle under the clouds. Hungrily I grabbed the first miracle to come along and blinded myself further to the others.