Lost and alone

I once had a great life and now I feel like I’m living another persons life. I am lost and so want to regain some of the life I once had. I had a good high paying job, great children, fantastic family. Not a lot to complain about. Then I had a problem with my back and then multiple surgeries, 9 to be exact. Then a brutal assault after a back surgery. After the assault the merry go  round of depression started and has been a spiral down turn ever since.  Most days start with not wanting to be here, then all the negative thoughts continue throughout the day. Don’t get me wrong I still function, just not very well. Its like I put on this mask and play a part if anyone comes around or I have to go anywhere. Friends have come and gone with only a few close friends left. The ones that left I thought were true friends obviously, didn’t understand or want to have the changed me in their life. That’s makes me sad, as this was something that happened to me, I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. But it did and I can’t go back. The doctors want me to go on antidepressants and believe me I have tried them.  They make me sick and I go off them. I hate my life and this person that i have become, but the worse thing is, I suffer in silence. Everyday is the same, full of dread, fear, sadness for the person I used to be.