I’ve messed up yet again. I dont understand why I always do everything wrong. I’m not thát stupid, I know that. I guess I am semi-smart. So why do I always fail everything? I actually wish I was just an ordinary retard, I could just follow a meaningless education (or none, whatever) and there wouldnt be any expetations. I dropped yet another class and my mom just thinks I hardly have school. I just cant do everything. Or anything. I can barely wrap my brain around 1 assignment and because I’m so afraid I will fail again I just cant seem to make any progress. Which will lead to me failing.
I did find a new way to hurt myself which I guess makes me kinda happy. One of my customers told me to do this once (smak myself on the ass with a hairbrush) but, it doesnt have to be the ass per se of course. It leaves really pretty bruises and it hurts like hell when you keep smacking any body part. Suddenly that song ‘she’s a maniac’ pops up in my head. I guess I am a maniac. I feel like a psycho, smiling when I look at the bruises, but then again that crazy smile I used to have on my face while cutting probably was a lot more scary. Its kinda sad that the only moment of the day I sincerely smile is when I look at my bruises or scars.
I guess I didnt really want to kill myself anymore last month. But last week made me realize I should. What the fuck am I staying here for? There is nothing. I think I found a good place. Now I only have to decide on the when.
EDIT: I dont understand how people can think ‘kind words’ can help. As if Im not going to kill myself because someone here told me I shouldnt because ‘there is so much more to live for’. How the fuck can you even know? You dont know what a person has been through all you know is what they have written down. Thats just a moment. It actually makes me pretty angry when people do that. Like its stupid if I would kill myself. Like I have no right to take my own life? Even trying to make you feel guilty, ‘ what about your parents’. Really? So someone wants to kill themselves and probably already feels fucking guilty about it and you feel the need to make them feel more guilty? Where the fuck do you get the right to do that?
And no there is not so much more to live for. If live would magically become better I’m pretty sure it would have happened already. If I have been miserable my entire life, doesnt that give me the right to fucking kill myself?
I dont need people telling me to stop hurting myself or I can do it or I should be staying alive. I just wanted to rant. Now let me rant and shut the fuck up. I dont want help, I dont even deserve it, thank you very much.
3 comments
Christina, you are staying because you are you, and there is no one like you, and you don’t need a reason to justify why you are here. We are all afraid of failure, and I am sure each one of us has experienced “failure.” You have to take a step back, and reconsider what you are doing. And please stop hurting yourself. Direct your anger outward, preferably to a punching bag, and not to your body. And please find someone, a caring person, who can listen to you, and help you with your assignments. And please stop hurting yourself.
As you love to point out, I ( nor anyone else for that matter ) can tell you ‘things will work out’. Though your refute against ‘there is so much more to live for’ I think is unwarranted, because I think just YOU are more to live for – live for yourself to just trudge on through this life and go back to those times where you don’t feel suicidal ( like you did last week ). You notice it is those spur moments of what you( well me too ) conceive as let downs that drive you to those suicidal thoughts?
Being some ordinary retard is fine and all, but where is the excitement in that eh? I believe I remember you preferring excitement over ordinary, eh? It seems you have plenty on your platter already and maybe school is too much for you right now? Or maybe ronda’s suggestion of finding some assistance of how to do your assignments( I can’t really advise because I suck with organization and getting things done… ).
I’ll let you rant all you please of course, though I have problems listening to your demands, because I’m just a defiant person like that 🙂
I don’t see you as a failure – people drop classes and such, it’s normal, and I don’t think that means you must beat yourself up like this. I know it’s an OCD of sorts to over analyze the conceived “failures” – and so I think that’s something to work on, “This isn’t that bad…I’m over thinking it…not the end of the world…It can work out” etc etc. Learn from the mistake of why you dropped the class, why you felt you were failing at the assignments…etc.
Anyhow, if any of us can help in some manner don’t be afraid to ask, else I’ll bother you more 🙂
Hope that helped somehow…or at least made sense or well did something positive.
Your customer sounds like he/she needs a smack with a hair brush. You should have made a complaint.
Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. The pressure is all psychological. You should approach each task without a sense of expectation. Half of the problem is finding enjoyment in completing your assignment. I always produced my best work when I knew what I wrote was going to get a positive reaction from whoever read it. No one else can write like you and your experiences can add originality. Make sure that you answer the question and tick off the marks in your mind. For example a 10 Mark question requires more than a few lines. Be methodical about it to gain the maximum credit but do so with style. Enjoy the moment, it’s your chance to express yourself.