My Silent Scream…

Everything I touch I taint. Everything I do I botch. Everyone I know I hurt. I’m in pain almost all the time and because I’m in pain I feel a perverse need to inflict that pain on everyone else; my friends, my family and even my pets. I’m suffering and because of that suffering I have to make everyone I love, value and care for suffer as well. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right but I honestly can’t help it I’ve become the sort of person I despise. I have interests that I take great pleasure in and which help to pass the time; collecting Designer Toys and Concert Posters, the odd Art Nouveau or Art Deco antique and watching Star Trek, Doctor Who and Primeval etc etc. But nothing fills the empty void inside and sometimes the darkness I feel is soo profound it utterly saps my ability to enjoy anything at all. We saved a beautiful pedigree Border Collie recently and she’s the most loving, energetic and naughty young dog you can imagine! But a few months after we moved into this house the creepy old guy over the fence started perving on me, literally stripping off naked and watching me through his darkened lounge room window every time I went into our backyard. For well over two years I put up with this sexual intimidation and tried to ignore it as best I could, but one day I got fed up and made the handgun gesture with my fingers and pretended to shoot him… like this, pow! I didn’t want to make a complaint to the police as I’m pre operative transgender, have a history of serious emotional instability and don’t live in the best of neighbourhoods. But because I stood up to him that one time the day after we got Allie he and his psycho older son escalated the problem and started screaming at us aggressively about the dogs barking anytime we were in the backyard, I feel trapped in my own fucking home. I finally called the police one day and a female officer and the gay and lesbian liaison officer came round, went outside with me to make it known they were here but I fear it only made things worse. Because of all this I think I’ve had a delayed stress reaction and have been like a bear with a sore head ever since, well at least whenever I’m awake. I love Allie to bits but adopting her has also brought up alot of issues I didn’t wanna have to face, as it was making a commitment to living a life I don’t think I want to or in the long run can keep. I now feel backed into a corner by my stupid choices in life as much as by friendship, circumstance and obligation.

I finally turned 40 on April 4 and that’s been playing on my mind as well, as I hadn’t planned or even wanted to reach this age. I always thought I’d just manage to scrape by and avoid turning the Big Four-O, but life had other ideas it seems. In fact if I’d had my way I would of killed myself when I was 37 or 38 and been done with it as that’s my ideal age to die; young enough that you still have your health, vitality and looks yet old enough that you at least have developed some maturity, experience and depth. I don’t think I have though I’ve just become bitter, resentful and cynical though deep down I’m still a very nice person at heart. I’m just fucked up is all! Anyways thanks for listening to my ramblings again, at least all of my posts on here may one day serve as a documentation of one person’s slow descent into suicidal despair before the final act of going through with it. Even if later than planned.

Yours Tiredly, Shelly.