One moment at a time

Today marks the one year anniversary of the diet that changed my entire life. One diet was the start of a long and hard downfall, one that ruined relationships and pushed my body to its limits. 5 pounds lost quickly turned to 20 pounds lost as my calorie intake headed down a steep slope. 1000 calories a day… 900… 800… then 700… 600… 500… 400… 300… 200. As I lost weight I grew weaker, I lost all energy, I could not focus at school, I bruised from the slightest things, I had chest pains, and I was dizzy all the time. But it didn’t matter, being skinny meant I could be happy, pretty, PERFECT. I was 16 years old, 97 pounds was my goal. Millions of events had triggered this, but what bothered me most was not being able to pinpoint the one thing that pushed me over the edge. Was it the flashbacks from the nights my sister argued with my parents? Or the night she screamed bloody murder because she was drunk and didn’t want to be taken away in the ambulance? Was it the pressure to be the best role model ever to my 3 little sisters after my parents kicked my sister out? Or the doubt that all the boys who asked my for nude pictures would never like me again for turning them down? Regardless of what caused it, calories became a way for me to escape from my past. The more I focused on being skinny, the less anything else mattered. Soon after watching my weight plummet, I decided that wasn’t good enough. I began forcing myself to vomit. Not always for food, just whenever I felt ANYTHING. Stressed…. vomit. Sad… vomit. Angry… vomit. I told myself my parents would love me more if I threw up, my family would be perfect again, everything would be okay. But throwing up doesn’t fix problems. It makes them worse. In August I started running and stopped my unhealthy habits, but in late November I relapsed. This time it got worse, I didn’t care about weight, I just enjoyed pushing my body to its limits. 200 calories… 100… 75… 50… 25… 15… 5… ZERO CALORIES. On top of that, 2 hour swim practices every day. My body struggled to keep up and my mind fought everyone who tried to help. “You are DYING” “pleaseee eat!!!” “honey, why?” “please don’t die, i need you..” Those were some of the things my teachers/friends/coaches said to me. My parents, however, denied I had a problem. I was forced into counseling by a counselor at my school, making it mandatory because of the amount of people reporting daily about how concerned they were. I fought everyone, I couldn’t accept their help. I wanted my family, my perfect family back. I didn’t want to be told it wasn’t possible. I didn’t want to be told it would never happen. I didn’t want to be sick, and most of all I wanted to wake up and have the last 5 years of my life be a dream. But the reality was that I was sick. Sicker than I can imagine. To this day, I am sick. The other day I started lying to my counselor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate hurting people. When I lie and say I am okay people are so much happier. I know that’s not okay, but I did it anyways. I had started eating again, but last week I went on a strict diet. I am still on it and I am losing weight once again. There is one teacher at my school who knows the truth, she is the only adult I trust. She tries to persuade me back into talking to my counselor and talks me through everything. She makes me feels strong, beautiful, loved, and worth something. To her, it doesn’t matter if I am perfect, she loves me for me. I do have one secret, one that I have never told anyone. I think about killing myself all the time. I don’t know why, I know my life isn’t that bad. Sometimes I cry at night because I don’t understand why I have these thoughts, but I do. One thing I know is that I am going to make it through, even if I am not better now, I will get better. I will have a child someday and tell them that no matter how hard life is, you can’t give up. I am alive right now because of my teachers/coaches/friends that love and support me. They mean the world to me and without them I wouldn’t be alive. I turn 17 on April 26th, there have been days that I wasn’t sure I would make it to that number, but I know I can do it. I’ve decided to live one moment at a time <3