Sorry for writing a novel, but… Im done, im ready to end it.

I was happy once. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like nothing could stop me. I had endless confidence. I lived in Las Vegas, and I felt like I owned the place. I didn’t always feel that way. That was 2 years ago…

I grew up being a really shy kid. I think it has a lot to do with my parents sheltering the heck out of me. Whenever something “scary” would come on TV, they would cover my eyes and act like it was horrible. They just hid me from everything that they felt was “scary” instead of trying to make me tough and realise it wasn’t really scary. I feel that it conditioned me to be scared of a lot of things that a lot of kids my age weren’t scared of. In pre-school, I was deathly afraid of skeletons. When the teacher would show a picture book of a skeleton, I would start crying. As I got older, i was still scared of things. I can remember going to the drive in to see ghostbusters 2 with family. I was the only one scared of that movie. I would have been 8 when it came out. As I got a bit older, these things didn’t scare me so much. But I was incredibly shy. I can remember by 3rd grade, i had only 2 friends, the nerdiest kids in the class. I always felt that I was better than that. I felt like I was supposed to be one of the cool kids, but I was scared. I didn’t have the confidence. I would be made fun of. Catholic school.. wow.. memories… bad ones. Kids making fun of me, no real good friends, and even teachers telling my parents that I sat in class like a scared mouse. These were the things that just hurt. And made me more of an introvert.

Going into highschool, i saw it as a chance to remake myself… nobody knew me, so hey, why not… But I was still kind of shy, didn’t have a lot of confidence, and all in all, it never really worked out. I had a few friends, but only one really good one.. or so I thought. During high school, I worked at a movie theatre. That was the best time of my life! I hated the people at school, but for some reason, at work, I was “cool”. I had a lot of friends from there! I actually liked going to work, because that was where my friends were, and many times, we would go out and have a good time afterwards. I still keep in contact with a decent amount of these people.

After highschool, I became an electrician. I liked my job, I liked what I did. But almost everyone that I worked with was my parents age. I didn’t make one good friend from work from age 18 to age 25. My one “good friend” from highschool was still my friend for most of the time. But he became a business man, and not all, but a lot of them become snotty, self pleasing, self centered jerks. He and his friends enjoyed my company, because I was the one that didn’t take myself so seriously. I was the one that made everyone laugh. I didn’t really love these people, but I at least had friends. I had something to do. I was still somewhat depressed, mostly because I lacked the confidence to ask a girl on a date, but I at least had friends. Then, for some unknown reason, my “friend” would stop answering his phone when I would call a lot of the time. He would tell me he was going out, and say he would call me up before they left, but wouldn’t. I would call him, no answer. So, I finally ended the “friendship”. After that, I fell further and further into depression. Having many suicidal thoughts, and once trying to impale myself with an unsharpened sword. I cut myself, but couldn’t go through with it.

I had become a journeyman electrician when I was 23, and bought a townhome. It was too much for me. If the economy stayed good, I might have been fine, but I got layed off, and there was no way I was going to pay for this place on unemployment. So, I went out of state for work. I was scared to leave. I didn’t want to leave my family. But in a week and one day from when I got laid off in Denver, I got a job in Salt Lake City.

Little did I know that was the best thing I had ever done to myself. I only planned on being in salt lake for 2 months, but after being there, I had no desire to go back to Denver. I was happier than I had ever been in my life! I was in a new place, nobody knew who I was, and I made it a point to reinvent myself. I made a lot of friends, went out as often as possible, and never really had to call anyone to go out. I always had someone calling me first! It was awesome! After being there for 2 years, I loved Salt Lake, but decided it wasn’t where I wanted to end up.

So, I moved to Las Vegas. The first year there wasn’t fantastic. I didn’t have any really good friends, but I did have a few friends I would do things with. Then, somehow, my second year there, I made a lot of friends. Some of the best friends I have ever had! I was on top of the world! I felt like there was no stopping me! I even lost my virginity at the ripe age of 28. Saying that makes me feel like a looser, but hey, better late than never. I realised sex wasn’t scary, and that I was a pretty attractive guy that could pick up on girls with my good looks and personality. Once again, I never had to call up people to find something to do, people always called me first. This is where I wanted to live for the rest of my life. Then the economy hit Vegas hard. I was on the last casino on the strip that was still being built. 2 others were mid production, and stopped because no banks wanted to fund the projects. When the casino was built, I was out of a job. I was unemployed there for 5 months, but still happy. I had my great friends, and nothing brought me down.

During the time I was unemployed, my parents would call and beg me to come back home to Denver. I didn’t want to go back. So many bad memories. So much unhappiness. My townhome that I had a mortgage on went into foreclosure 2 years before. And on top of it, I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find work in Denver. Every time they would talk to me, it was to beg me to come back home. I wouldn’t answer the phone a lot of times because I didn’t want to hear it. Finally, for some reason… I decided to move back to Denver. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to move back. It made me upset to think about moving back… To give up everything I had built for myself to make my family happy. But I moved back anyway.

I moved back expecting things to be about the same as they were, but trying to make things as good as possible. I moved into my parents house. My brother still lived there. After trying to find work with no luck, I started to get depressed. I couldn’t believe I moved back to Denver. I never wanted to be back, but I was… And it was just as bad as I thought it would be. A girl that ripped my heart out when I was 22, and told her to never talk to me again, tried to keep in contact with me through the years. Finally, she wanted to do something with me… I didn’t think it was a good idea, but she was the only girl I had ever felt love for. I had never even felt love for the couple of girls i had sex with. But for some reason, i still felt love for her. So I agreed. Everything seemed great at first, but once again, for reasons I still don’t understand, she ripped my heart out again… Brutally… So, i fell back into depression. My “friend” from high school moved back to Denver from living in florida and contacted me. I wasn’t totally sure about this either, considering he had abandoned me before, but felt that it would be better than nothing. So things seemed great for awhile. We were like good old friends again, hanging out, doing things, nothing that I ever wanted to do mind you, but at least I was going out and having fun. Anything that I wanted to do that might be considered somewhat nerdy, or something johnny depp wouldnt do, he wouldn’t do it… kinda sucked, but at least I had a friend.

I finally decided that I needed a girlfriend. Not having the confidence I had in Las Vegas, I turned to online dating. I met a girl, and we dated for 3 months. During that time, I was probably happier than the majority of the time after moving back to Denver. She loved me, and told me… I wasn’t ready for “love”. I also am not religious, and she was very religious. That was a major conflict for me. The more she fell in love with me, the more I fell out of love with her. I felt absolutely terrible, but I had to end it.

During the time that I was dating her, I recieved my second job in Denver. I was happier when I was working. Just like the first job that I had gotten in Denver, one that I didn’t mention in this book yet, I was happier. I felt like I was contributing to society, and I had money I could spend. But just like the first, I got laid off after the job was finished. I was only unemployed for 1 week, but got depressed for that week, because I felt defeated. I must have picked the wrong job field. I can’t keep getting laid off like this. But after that week, I got another job, in a small town 4 hours from Denver called Alamosa. Once again, I was kind of scared of moving, but remembered how moving out of Denver helped me before. Living in Alamosa was nice. I would never want to end up there, but It was an escape from the unhappiness. For the first time since moving away from Denver, I felt happy again. I was once again making friends. I was only there for 2 and a half months before I got laid off, but already felt like I had become part of the town… Then I move back to Denver, into my parents house… again… that was the 23rd of December…

Since then, I have had 3 interviews. 2 in Denver, one in Vegas. Didn’t get the job with either of them… I feel completely defeated… I am 31, living with my parents. I can’t keep a job for longer than a few months, because the project gets finished, and I get laid off… There are jobs out there, but there are more electricians out of work than jobs, which makes it really hard. After being laid off so many times, and not being able to find consistent work, I am loosing hope. On top of all of the bad memories Denver gives me. I’ve never been happy here, and I don’t ever see myself ever being truly happy here. I fill out applications here and there, with no reply. It feels like there is no point in trying to get a job anymore. I feel so defeated…

I have been looking up suicide methods like crazy for the last month. I lash out at my family. I lock myself in my room in my parents basement. I have gotten rid of all bad “friendships”. The only person that I do anything with is my brother. I love him do death, and value his friendship, but I have nobody else. I feel stuck. I try to apply for lesser qualified jobs, but I get no reply because nobody wants to hire an electrician that will probably quit working at target once they get an electrical job, which, I would if I was in that situation. I don’t want to look for a girlfriend, because my confidence level is so low, I don’t think that I could sustain a relationship. I want to move back to Vegas, but without much money and no promise of a job, its too hard to do. I feel the last 2 years I have lived in Denver have been such a waste. I haven’t progressed in my life at all. I dont feel like I will ever progress here. I have lost hope, and the will to even try anymore. I was a dedicated gym rat, but just can’t get myself to go anymore, because I don’t see why it matters anymore. I go and play pinball with my brother, and it is fun, but not fulfilling. It takes my mind off of suicide while doing it, but once we are done for the night, it comes back.

For the last 3 weeks or so, I have really been contemplating suicide. I drive around downtown looking for parking garages that look tall enough to jump off of. I got kicked off of one by some security guards. Little did they know that they saved my life that night. Another night, I spent 5 hours on top of one that is 12 floors. I sat there, drinking hard alcohol, trying to get the courage to do it. I would get out of my truck, and look over the edge, and then get back in the truck, then look over the edge again. Sometime dropping something off of it, to see what it looked like falling to the ground. The only reason I have been having trouble doing it is because I am scared of jumping, and not dying. To continue to live after that, would be even worse. I’d probably be in a wheelchair. All I know is as time goes on, it gets harder and harder. The more I lash out at my family. THe more I lock myself in my room. The less I look for a job. I want to tell my family that I want to commit suicide, but they will try to stop me. I cry without being able to help it.

I could keep going, but after this novel, you get the gist… I just want to blow my brains out…