Starting to understand it all

i think I get why I self injure. It’s because half of me is in constant pain and turmoil, and the other part looks perfectally fine. So in my quest for balance in my life, I try to make both sides show equal amounts of what I feel. A balance between physical and emotional pain. What I look like on the outside, my inside is unable to deal with, so I have to change the outside to match the inside. I’m wrecked emotionally. I have no faith in anything anymore, I’m in constant pain, and I want to die. So I show it by cuts and burns and neglect. That whole lie about how self injurers want to be found out is wrong. I’d rather have no one notice and let me die. It’s easier for everyone that way. I wish everyone would feel the same way about me. Either they all love me and I have a reason to stay, or they all hate me so I can go guilt free. Because at the moment all of a handful of people don’t want me to do it, and slowly that handful is slipping away like grains of sand. One “friend” a week lately. I’m just becoming more and more isolated, more suicidal, more depressed. At this rate I’ll be underground or in a ward by the end of may. The only part I don’t understand is why. Why people can’t treat me the way I used to deserve? Why does shit keep happening to me? Why can’t everyone just let me die? All other questions have been answered. Just not the why’s.