Tired of it all

I’m 44 years old.  I’m not in a relationships.  Never been married.  Both my parents are deceased and I’m estranged from my siblings.  I am handcuffed to an ever increasing 6 figure student loan debt that I accumulated getting some useless degree.  I hate my job.  In fact, it’s the only thing in my life that I hate.  Unfortunately, my job is my only source of income and, without it, I couldn’t pay  my rent.  My coworkers hate my guts and I’m not too crazy about them either.  Imagine high school at its worst. Then imagine a clique of the most obnoxious, arrogant, lazy, immature brats in the school.  They’re a tight, sadistic little bunch.  And now imagine that the principal (my boss who is also the owner) is the ringleader of that clique and, every time, you’re in school, the clique and principal torment you relentlessly.  Are you there yet?  If so:  Welcome to my world.

I don’t want to get into too many details regarding my job.  You’re going to just have to trust me when I tell you that I have a big target on my back and want so desperately to get out of there.  I have stomach problems as a result of the stress I encounter daily.  When I’m not there, I’m still stressed from that place.  I have been looking for a job for a while now.  I’ve come really close to getting out of there.  Even felt one foot out the door on one occasion but I ended up not getting the job and got pulled right back into the chaos and stress of my job.  I am tired of looking for jobs and interviewing and trying to sell myself. I’m tired of trying to keep my chin up and to be positive.  I’m tired of everything.  I support myself so I cannot just quit my job.  If I do, I’d be living in my car in a matter of weeks.  I’ve been meditating twice a day to find the inner strength to make my life better.  I wanted to believe in the power of positive thinking… law of attraction…whatever but I don’t believe in any of it now. I believe in nothing. The only thing that’s real to me is the disgust and weariness I feel as a result of having to spend much of my life in an environment that is toxic.  My self-confidence is in the toilet.  I truly want to die.

I don’t have health insurance or I would see a therapist.  I am having health issues related to my thyroid.  I also have a seizure disorder.   This hand to mouth way of living while my health gradually deteriorates is not the way I want to live out the rest of my life.  I have a cat and she is the only thing that keeps me going but I don’t know how much longer I can do this….

My mom died a little over three years ago.  We were very close.  I knew she was going to die because she had been battling cancer for years.  I told her that I would die when she died.  It’s a cold world and my mom is the only warmth I’ve ever known.  She made me promise to be strong and continue to live my life which I’ve tried to do since she died but it is becoming harder with my current work situation.

Shortly after my mom died, my nephew killed himself.  I have been thinking about him a lot lately.

I have friends but most are “fair weathered friends”.  Even my “BFF” doesn’t really seem to care about my current job woes. He’s heard it all and he clearly doesn’t care and I’m angry at him for not returning my calls and texts.  I now doubt our friendship.  My siblings don’t care about me.  I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  This is the truth.  Neither of them were there for our mom when she got sick. In fact, it was me who had to leave my life and move cross country to care for our mother for the last year and a half of her life.  I knew they were shit then and they’re shit now.   I am truly all alone here… except for my cat.

I want to die.  There is no reason for me to keep living except for my cat.

My student loans are bound to me for the rest of my life.  I cannot file bankruptcy to dismiss them because these loans cannot be dismissed through bankruptcy.  I have no reason to live.

I welcome death.  My cat will survive.

How much Lamictal is lethal?