Titled?

I don’t know what to do, I can’t seem to keep going like this, it has been 10 years in a slow descent into oblivion, it hurts so much now just to wake up, but I can’t do it, it would hurt others, and that would be selfish of me. My best friend A, has a boyfriend, but she is the only person who makes me better, but I cant hurt her, and I am leaving soon by asking her to do things with me because people are judgmental assholes. I think of better and better ways to kill myself, and with more than 30 episodes of this a day, the constant pain I feel, I dont know what to do. She has helped me so much, just keeping me going by being her, and I hate that I have done nothing for her, and have caused people to look at her a little different because she is hanging out with me sometimes when she already has a boyfriend. She told me I am an amazing person, just be patient, so now I am scared because she has been spending more and more time with me, even though she knows nothing of the pain I am in, and I know I am leaving soon, but the pain is gone when she is there, I am so fucking confused, and it hurts so much, I cant think straight, so sorry this doesnt make much sense. Help, but only if you want.