upside down

everything that happens in my life goes the wrong way. you dont know what you’ve got ’till its gone.  i cant even think anymore of whats wrong or right. im too lazy to think of something knowing i will kill myself eventually one day. or be in the risk of it.  i have no friends, no job, cant even drive. no social or sex life. i hate being the way i am, i feel a huge resentment of being gay. i get good opportunities up in myface, but i cant get them due to my health conditions ,and i just have no time to have a social life, be in a relationship. all these things are mixed up in my head.  i feel like i need 40 hours a day to complete what i want to do.    im 21 and dont have the life of a 21 year old, but that of an 80 year old. its so sad,, i feel like this is going to be the case of benjamin button. when ill get older, ill want to do the same things i didnt get to do at this age. its all twisted . i have no idea in making my death look like an accident. i mean i do,, but i dont another loser killing me. i wanna die by myself