What Hell Am I Supposed To Do?

Well, I was supposed to die exactly a year and two months ago. Ever since, I feel like I have been in a rut. I don’t know what to do. I’m 14 year old girl. I do have a boyfriend that I love and talk about all the time because I love him so much. I just can’t get out of this rut. I know he is scared for me in more ways than one. First, I can’t help it but I cut myself. Second, I am so depressed and I can’t open up to people that easily so I have a hard time telling him about things like that. Third, this is probably the scariest thing out of all of them. For the past four months I have thought that I have cancer, and I still think this. I have so many symptoms and I’m always in pain. John, my boyfriend, my best friends Katelyn and Lexi, both think that I need to go to the hospital. But so far, I have refused. I grew up in a hospital and I finally escaped the walls of one. I don’t want to have to go back. Plus, now I think my kidneys are shutting down because my urine is turning a shade of brown. My back is killing me. So when my kidneys go, I hope they can’t save me so I can finally leave this hell known as Earth. I hate my life besides John, Katelyn, and Lexi. Them and music are the only reasons why I’m still here. I love them and hate myself. Please help me!!!! I really want to read comments on this. I love all you guys :'(