All I needed was a reason

A few things happened today, one good, one bad.

Starting with the bad, my dad yelled at me for eating today. He yelled at my sisters and I for eating too much today and said that we have to ask before we eat anything anymore. My dad gets really mad sometimes, and when he does he exaggerates punishments. But what he doesn’t understand is how powerful his words are to me. Last year I stopped eating. Starving became my life, calories and exercise were my gods, I worshiped them like no other. I lost 20 pounds, went from weighing 123 to 103 in much less than 2 months. My parents clearly noticed, but said nothing. I then started throwing up, I expelled everything I ate, which wasn’t much. I started throwing up at least twice a day, sometimes it got as bad as 4 or 5 times a day. I got better for awhile, but relapsed in November. I began starving for days and exercising like crazy. Friends, coaches, and teachers grew very concerned and went to my school counselor. I lied to her but after several weeks gave in and told the truth. She contacted my parents and suggested I be put in counseling. I lied to my parent and they pretended to believe me, mostly because they didn’t want my problems to be exposed. Eventually, after many people expressing concern to my parents, they put me in counseling. My starving got worse, I started pushing my body as far as it could go. My friends begged me to eat, people told me my heart could stop. I am good a t pretending though, and that’s what I did for my parents. They think I starve for attention. They think I make it all up. Little do they know how sneaky I can be. I have since started eating a little more, around 500 calories a day. I have tricked my counselor into thinking I am fine and I was finally starting to feel okay about eating today. But today, my dad’s words cut so deep. I wanted to burst into tears, all I kept thinking was “EATING IS BAD. LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU ARE A FAILURE AGAIN!” No matter what I do, I am never good enough. I lied to the counselor FOR HIM. I thought they wanted me to pretend I was okay. but since I got yelled at earlier, I am scared to death of eating. He didn’t mean it, he doesn’t understand.The hardest part is, he never will.

On the good side, all suicidal thoughts were set aside as I held my mom’s friend’s baby today. It was so adorable and innocent, I fell in love so quickly. While I was holding it I realized that I can’t kill myself, more than anything else in life, I am meant to be a mom, I just know it. I just turned 17, I obviously can’t have a baby right now because I have to grow up a little more first, but I wish I could. I can’t wait for the day I get to be a mom… I seriously can’t wait!!

All I needed was a reason to live, and I found it. I’m going to have many bumps in the road, starting with overcoming my eating problems, but eventually, I will get there 🙂