I am frustrated. Â Frustrated that I refuse to make plans that are over a week in advance in case, or possibly in hope that, I might kill myself shortly. Â Frustrated that I want to push everyone that has ever cared about me away so that they might not care when I die. Â Frustrated that I cannot seem to find a reason for this suicidal inclination.
I am a person, who, by an outside observer, has had amazing opportunities, and has squandered all of it. Â I am in my fourth year of college and will be flunking, due to not doing my work, despite having a plethora of free time. Â I have several good female friends all of whom express enjoyment at me being around, and also find the idea of me dating hilarious. Â I have parents who love me, yet I rarely return their calls. Â I should love life, and yet all I can think of when I stop running, from my thoughts that is, Â is how much I want life to end.
Hence I am posting this as I do not wish to have any of my friends be burdened with hearing about my thoughts in case I kill myself anytime soon. Â Beyond the possibility of killing myself there is also that I feel like a fraud asking for help when I haven’t attempted suicide, though if I do try to kill myself my goal is to die, not to be seen as serious. Â How can I truly say that I might kill myself when I haven’t tried yet despite having a method and the opportunity? Â Can I really be serious about this desire if I haven’t followed through yet?
Anyways I figure I’ll mention I won’t be killing myself for at least a three days in case anyone’s worried. Â Thank you to anyone who reads this, it is nice to simply spill my heart without fear for once.
1 comment
Your thoughts and feelings are not shocking here; and I sincerely hope you will NOT do yourself harm. The challenge you face, the puzzle you cannot finish, drives about a third the posters here. And has been a part of me for 30+ years now. Does it help at all to know that thousands feel the same way? Please don’t see it as a personal failure to be not be thrilled with the idea of this life. I won’t psychoanalyze why — the factors are varied and each individual has his own particular stew of reasons. But our brains have a limited set of options in reaction, and one of them is to just want to be done with it all.
This behavior is grossly misunderstood by many. They think those who think and talk suicide but never do it are simply being dramatic and seeking sympathy and attention. Don’t fall for anyone telling you that. Quite the opposite. It’s a huge, exhausting struggle to make it through a week when your brain is telling you to stop. Imagining the end of your life is, in many cases, not all that different from dreaming of becoming the next American idol, or robbing a bank.
It takes DAILY DENIAL OF REALITY to exist in this crazy society. For some, that denial is easy. TV, food, sex, sleep. For others, it’s a struggle. We all fall into fantasies that get us through the day – some dream of a prince in shining armor, some of a lottery win, and some of us? Quick painless death.
Your thoughtful posts suggest to me, sorry to say, that you are one who will think this thought all your life. Not following through is simple survival and amazing courage and strength. You are stronger than you and your family and freinds might think. You are running a race with concrete blocks starpped to your feet, yet you are still running.
Be proud. Stay alive.