I hate how impulsive I am. I fucked him again and now I’m worried I might be pregnant. I fucked him only to fuck myself over. I have to deal with all this pain and loneliness by myself. The only reason why its even here is because of him… I actually shouldn’t even try to blame it on him. It was all my fault. Now as I watch “Big Fish” I’m back to the scene where the main character finds his true love, this scene doesn’t hurt me because he’s finding his true love and I lack that, but its because the last time I watched this I was in the park and it played on a projector on a rare warm night in San Francisco. That also isn’t the part that hurts me, the one thing that makes me happy is a warm night in San Francisco. What hurt me the most was who I sat next to, sitting next to me was my boy friend at the time who refused to even acknowledge my existance. He didn’t even want to make things official, I was like a piece of meat to him. I stuck by him, but he ignored me more than he usually did and after that night we stopped talking. I’m already getting tired of this story and I doubt anyone will read much further. I’m done with it all, I’ve only been screwed over by anyone I’ve ever loved and cared about, its my fate to be hurt. I’m still watching “Big Fish” and this poor main character is still fighting for his love, but I know within a few short scenes he will have his love. And in a few short scenes of my life I will still be alone and hurt. And in a few long days I will still be alone and hurt. Tonight there’s a lot of parties and I will go to all of them. And I will never find anyone. I don’t mean to sound hopeless, but that’s just how I have to be now to spare myself from the even more agonizing pain of a let down. I’m done writing now.
1 comment
please just imagine how much worse it could be.. love is not the defining factor of life. i have been with my soul mate for 5 years and we are enfatuated with eachother, but there is always more.. love is not the answer. i am still empty inside and contemplate suicide daily. imagine having that love and not being able to be with them, because of the forces of the world, none of it is in your hands or theirs… it is even more hurtful… sometimes being alone and having casual flings is better in a sense.. try and think of it as, you got something out of him, too.. just don’t let fools love run you.. i had a similar situation when i was younger, and you need to realize he is using you and you do not deserve it.. it took me a long time to get over, shifting emotions is not the best but it works, i just wish my emotions didn’t rely on chemical dependence….