At this stage in our lives we seem to be living in two different, yet unreachable universes: the past and the future. When we’re together, we often reminisce about old times, back when we were young and innocent and nothing bad happened that couldn’t be fixed. When we’re not reflecting on our shared history, we’re looking ahead to our futures; future plans and future goals and wishes and dreams. And to an extent, looking back and looking forward are both wonderful things to do; often they’re reminders that happy times did happen and better things may lie ahead…
But  we only exist in those two states: past or future, but never ever in the present. Our present is pretty awkward and uncomfortable, so we escape it with a mix of past and future- but that just isn’t working for me anymore. That’s kind of the problem, really, we don’t have a present tense and I’m not even sure I have a future anymore. And because we spend so much time in the world of unchangeable past and unreachable future, we don’t really have a present tense anymore, therefore we probably won’t have a future at all either, which is sad I guess.
All we really have now are our memories. And our memories will go away eventually, they’ll become replaced and forgotten. Â Eventually, I’ll become a face without a name or a name without a face to you. And honestly, I’m okay with that. However, this prolonging of our friendship isn’t doing us any favours at all- just clouding the our once happy memories and turning our futures dark. Because every time you say you’ll call me tomorrow, or we’ll meet up soon, and you never follow though, another part of us breaks just a little bit more. And when we do see each other, all we discuss are our past memories and future plans. And I just can’t give myself to you in the present tense, because most of the time I’m pretty broken and a total mess and not at all sure I want a future at all anymore. And who wants a friend like that? Not you, certainly. Giving you the present tense me and letting you know me will totally screw up any possible chance there might still be of there being a future us, and the us that still exists basically feeds off that possibility.
I’m sorry I broke, I really am. And I’m sorry, but  ‘best friends forever’ is bullshit and we all know it. Lives change and people change and break and become different people. I am now a dark shadow of the me I was when we were close, and that’s just not quite enough anymore. If I end up deciding to completely eliminating any chance I have of a personal future by ending my present state of existence, just know that I’m sorry and it’s not your fault, I just wanted to leave everything before being left entirely. I wanted to be in control myself and make my own decision and not depend on others. I am sorry I broke our friendship by being broken.
1 comment
I never had childhood friends..