I don’t like the person I am anymore. I’m okay on some levels, but in close relationships I become a cold *****. I don’t know how to fix it, therapy hasn’t helped much with the issue. I’m stressed in general, but I guess I just get unhappy.
My boyfriend and I just broke up for the millionth time, what a huge surprise. I’d like to say that this was more his fault than mine but it’s probably pretty even. I’m a really difficult person to be in a relationship with. I’m not sure what to do about it. Truth be told, I feel weary all of the time, so even if there was some hard work that could fix it, I don’t think I’m willing to try. I’ve been up front about that though, he resented it. I didn’t know what to tell him though. I wasn’t going to make a promise that I couldn’t keep. I’m so stressed and exhausted emotionally, the thought of trying to “fix” some fucked up part of myself through years of hard work does not compute. I can’t even consider the possibility, doing so is tiring enough. So I guess that’s my choice to make.
I don’t want to be alone though, and if things were simpler, I’d probably stay with him. As it is the relationship would have required both of us to go above and beyond, and I didn’t have that capacity. I don’t think he did either. I can’t see anyone else working out though, I trust very few people and he is one of the only ones to ever give me no reason to doubt his sincerity. It’s rare to meet a person like that. I doubt even I am a person like that to begin with. I wanna be with him during the good times. I love him, but right now I can’t feel it, I just feel nothing. I know I love him because it sticks. For six years it has stuck, and it doesn’t always weather the bad times, but it comes back. Maybe it isn’t as earnest or healthy as I’d like for it to be, but oh well. It would be supremely unrealistic and unfair for me to seek out somebody healthy to have a relationship with, when I’m so out of whack. I would ruin them.
I used to be a lot bubblier. I’ve kind of used my energy up, but I miss that person. I’m exhausted.
My life feels like it’s on the brink of becoming a huge mess again. I’m not making enough money to support myself, my mother is going in for brain surgery on her aneurysm for a second time and I am absolutely terrified. I don’t know how to deal with myself. I have a lot of ambition, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to push forward with my ideas. I’m scared, and I’m also indecisive. I want to be great at what I do, and I know it takes practice, but I don’t want to fuck it up beyond repair. Oh and I’m not happy with my body, or my looks. Never have been.
I’m really lucky to have what I do, though. In the last year I’ve experienced a special level of privilege. I’ve been given so much. I guess I just miss my family right now, and I don’t want to have to ask them for money to cover my rent. It’s freaking me out. And I’m 23, so I want to be healthier and prettier before “my prime” has passed. Though it probably already has. Or maybe it doesn’t matter. The thing is that I know looks, objectively, shouldn’t matter as much as they do. But I realize that they do, and it’s kind of silly to try and live under the impression that it isn’t actually a huge deciding factor for everyone who meets me.
I’d prefer to be dead, a lot of the time, because the prospect of continuing to be myself is terrifying. And I know no matter how “good” I get, if I get into another relationship I’ll just end up being a ***** again. It happens every time and I don’t know what to do.
Eh, oh well.