I miss them so. All of them. The place, even. Cold at times, warm at times…Inviting. A place of growth and happiness. I wish, more than anything, that I could be back there. A student. Or an instructor – for youth or (preferably) adults.
But…Nope! Probably not to be. I’ll just sit around here, going to college, bored, sad, lonely and depressed…Disinterested in everything. I swear I’m so fucked up.
Hasn’t anyone else felt like this? Surely so.
Yeah I’m pissed. Why even bother? Why play ganes? I haven’t seen him in a full month and I know I’ll never see him again. He actually messages me asking to come over. Then last minute says he can’t because the other car he had access to died too. Says he had a ride. So why couldn’t the ride have dropped you off here? If you can rent a car you can catch the bus, right? Hasn’t talked to me any more. Just leave me alone then. You got what you fucking wanted. You got rid of the person who cares most about you. Yes […]
Hadn’t been on here in awhile. Hadn’t cut in awhile either. I guess I was doing good. But now I’m sinking.
I just feel like ITS ME! Everything that goes wrong is because of me. I’m always the guilty party. When I try so hard.
I tell ppl all the time that Imma fckd up person. That they shouldn’t be involved with me. I can’t possibly be anything good in your life.
It’s hard to explain.
Suicide is stigmatized as a quick sudden choice. Not for me. I roll my plans and deadline over and over in my head. The biggest question haunting me. Should I tell him? Will he feel better if he knows and can ask questions first? Should I ask my family to keep it a secret from him? Hasn’t his life seen enough death already?
I scour the internet for advice and come upon articles laying out tired hatred for narcissistic, manipulative exes pulling the suicide card. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to manipulate anyone. I just want to talk to my best […]
My high school orientation was yesterday. I’ve never been so afraid!! In elementary school there were only 60 students in my grade but, then I go to orientation with over 400 students my age. Holy shit. I’ve never felt so intimidated. Looking at all the pretty girls made me feel even more ugly and looking at all the attractive guys made me feel even more pathetic. Why am I so afraid of what people will think of me? School hasn’t even started yet and I’m already crying and freaking out. I just want to kill myself so that when I do eventually commit suicide, I […]
So…I’ve got a lot of mental problems, but that hasn’t stopped me from helping out other people with problems. My friend asked me something the other day that got me thinking…
What gives me, a person with too many problems to count, the right to tell people what to do about their own problems?
My argument was that, no I don’t have a right. But who on the internet does?
I may not be qualified, but I’m suffering through this for a reason. And that reason is to help others with the same problems.
I haven’t overcome my problems because I don’t want help. I’m too far gone for […]
I can’t believe I let my manipulating ex back into my life! All he does is use me. My best friend/sister has been gone for over a month and I have no one else. I was weak and vulnerable, and he took advantage of me.
My family, needless to say, notice nothing. My dad is too busy with work, my step mother is a self ***** and my grandparents and aunt prefer my younger cousins over me. My mother hasn’t tried to contact me sine Christmas 2011.
The pain is eating at my insides, but I have no way to let it out. I used to cut […]
I’m a very sensitive person. I just don’t understand how people can be so mean to people they don’t even know. Or being mean in general. You all know the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But they do hurt, they hurt more then sticks and stones. I don’t know how to stop the words from entering my mind even after pushing them out. Words like; annoying, *****, lazy, fat, ****, mean, slut, whore. I have been called every single one. I tried to stop cutting but I cant.
I don’t have anyone to talk to. My sister […]
Death looks pretty attractive right now. The other night I went up into my attic looking for some guns my parents have been hiding. I fell through the attic and busted up my leg pretty good. Needless to say I feel even worse now. The last two days at work I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying. My supervisor gave me an extremely simple straight-forward assignment and I can’t do it. I can’t focus or concentrate on it. I’m stupid and worthless and lazy. I don’t deserve a good career. I don’t even deserve a bad career. I deserve no career. I fuck […]
Depression hits us all, I think. There’s not a single person I have spoken to that hasn’t felt it’s clammy hands around their soul. It seems to be caused by many things, from big life changing events, to small things that just build up and knock a person off their feet eventually. Â I’ve had it time and and time again, but usually managing to shake it off like a wet dog. Â This time however, it’s crippled me.
I’ve seen death burn through a families hope, I’ve felt that pain. I got through it.
I’ve felt the devastation of a loved one no longer loving you. I got through […]
I’m new here, but I’ve been following this site for a few months now. I tried committing suicide almost a year ago. I was hospitalized for about 3 days before going into a psychiatric hospital for a week. It scared the hell out of me. I promised myself I never wanted to end up there again. The only people that know about this are my parents and my sister I was too ashamed to tell my best friend or any other family members. I did actually tell one friend from online but she completely laughed at me. Told me I was such a wuss  trying to commit […]
Of course, I want to like Trevor. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that says I shouldn’t. Oh well. Said voice can find a new hobby. I mean, I’ve realized that Trevor is pretty awesome. But if he doesn’t like me, then good for him. I’m not saying that I’ll be completely mad and thinking that I’m better than him, ’cause I’m not. All humans are equal, except in their acts. I mean, you can’t say that you’re equal to Hitler in acts unless you did the same things he did. But Trevor hasn’t done anything bad that I know of, […]
My birthday is on February 1st, this Friday, and I asked my mom
if we were going to do anything, an innocent question, right?
Her car hasn’t had a renewal sticker since November, which means its illegal for her to drive anywhere.
She and I had lost our jobs before the winter started, meaning we’re becoming dirt poor and can barely afford to keep anything we have.
I have a court trial coming up soon because of a statutory rape charge on my ex-boyfriend
I find myself thinking about hurting myself a lot or simply ending my life, but it would just put my family into more of a […]
The first installment to the Notepad saga…. yep, that’s it.
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To Whom It May Concern,
You may think of me as stupid. Ugly. Dumb for meeting my 2 best friends over the internet. Meeting the love of my life over the internet. Stupid for writing this, but you don’t know how I feel. Let me tell you.
Living every day is a fuckin’ chore. Going to school is a chore. Walking, carrying everything I need, and just being on the computer with my love is a chore. Trying to survive without him actually being here is a chore. Without the people who truly understand me. Is it such a […]
I need too really clear my  head of the thoughts of suicide that are running threw my head. I had a plan too go when I got home and the only reason I am staying here is because I am still in love with my ex boyfriend and he said he was coming too visit me and even though he hasn’t told me when I am still going too hold on until that happens I am sick of being in this unhappy relationship with the guy I am with now. with him I do not feel happy I feel very invisible and he does not […]
I am kind of enjoying a rare peaceful moment…the hour is almost midnight, I am in my bedroom and the window is cracked to let in the cold brittle air of this winters night in yet I hear only the softest of rain patter. It is calming, and the waft of water is cleansing as I breath it in.
Earlier today I was stressed with resume writing for a job I don’t even want to apply for. Then I found a different post and thought, yes, I could do this, and it was easier to write to the qualifications this posting wanted! […]
So I was released yesterday from an 11 day stay at the 3rd hospital.. The first time I went was October 3rd-26th. This past time was November 3rd-14th. At the first hospital they put me on Prozac, Zyprexa, and Welbutrin. Hasn’t helped even the slightest.. I’m ready to just drink a bottle of vodka and slit my wrists. For the sake of my family, someone please convince me not to…
I think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind. When someone that I love doesn’t talk to me for an hour or I haven’t heard from them in like a day I will make up this whole story in my head that something’s happened. I will actually talk to myself and feel the actually pain that I’ve lost them. For example I’m freaking out now because my boyfriend hasn’t talked to me since last night and he’s not online. I have made up this whole story that I’m going to eventually call his phone and his mom is going to answer and tell me he died in a car accident […]
After sitting in the bath with a razor blade in my. Thinking I should just do it. Just die. Just get it over with an leave. But then something stopped me. I thought what had led me up to this? What has been so bad that has led me to thinking that killing myself is the best answer. I sat in my bath for about two hours just thinking, and meditating. It doesn’t  have to be like this. I making it like this. I don’t have to be depressed I don’t have to constantly feel bad for myself and only think about my past. Yes […]
It’s true. And it’s the reason for my suicide. These feelings of hopelessness stem from being an imperfect human being. I have a poor memory, make lots of mistakes – but worst of all, I’m ugly. I am so unattractive. I look in the mirror and fall apart crying, I get violent visions of mutilating my body, hacking it to pieces until I disintergrate. Until I’m nothing anymore. Unrecognisable. Until I die from bloodloss, hopefully, and everybody can forget I ever existed. That’s all I want – to not exist, to never have existed. I wish I had never existed.
I go to bed and pray […]
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