My name is Elizabeth. I am 14 years old, and I’ve wished for death for a couple of years, and I’m certain it is the only thing I’ll be able to succeed in this life; I’ve tried not to think about it, but it always comes back. In moments when I’m lonely and when it’s silent, I’ll think of death and how to achieve it. I wish I was normal, that I didn’t have these thoughts. I wish I could have changed the way my mind works, and how it always tells me to ruin things. I’ve lied to everyone I’ve talked to, I’ve insulted them behind their backs, I’ve insulted my friends, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lied to my family, I’ve done horrible, horrible things that will stay with me.
I refused to go to school, sobbing each morning because I was afraid of what people thought of me, (due to bullying I had in other schools). I ended up not going for a few months, though when the next year started, I had to go. But I skipped days, I pretended to be awfully sick with migraines and stomach pains, and I cut days by pretending to be vomiting in the toilets. I did this a lot at my old school and my new school.
I’ve never gotten an A, and that wouldn’t have bothered me if it didn’t have to do with my friends. They were all so smarter than me, getting multiple A’s in classes that I had reassured myself that I was smart in. Obviously I had lied to myself. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do basic time tables, I didn’t know what I was doing in science, I didn’t know anything in other classes. I lied about drawing; I would just trace it when I was at home, and show it to people at school. The only thing I liked doing was writing, and I’ve started hundreds of books that I thought I’d be able to publish, which in turn made me feel happy and useful. But no, I couldn’t do that either, I couldn’t finish one lousy book, and I ended up stealing others work from the internet, showing my parents so they would think they had a talented daughter.
I have tried to throw up, I have self harmed, I have cried myself to sleep, I let someone molest me many times because I loved them, I let myself hate my closest friends.
Basically, I’m tired. I can’t do this any more, I don’t want to. How do I leave?
6 comments
Look for a local church with a youth group.
You will find a whole new way to live.
God loves you and wants to have a relationship
with you.
As you grow older, school grades will more or less become not so influential. Remember lots of entrepreneurs are college dropouts. Let alone authors, there are just so many of them, they couldn’t all be good students. So at least you’ve got something you’d like to spend time doing. Sometimes it takes experience to write a good book, go out for a trip, or fall in love. That’ll keep you motivated.
Honey, I read your post and thought it was very talented. It was introspective and shocking, and full of irony with you lying so much in your life but really you are a person of truth as is evident here. I read the whole thing through, captivating. There were no A’s for you in the demented and ignorant society (school) but you blow away the competition just by what you wrote.
The world is evil and a lost cause, dont let their contrived and corrupted Grading Scales fool you. Their A is really an F, as can be proven by the state of affairs of the world out there.
This is disturbing: “I let someone molest me many times because I loved them,”
If this is true and it was an older person or a family member, you can report this to the authorities, gauranteed, they will follow up. If it was, they will go to jail or intervention, but it better not be a lie or they will find out. Just call 911 and they will help.
You may not realize it but your path is a similar path taken by some of the most brilliant minds to have existed. The world is about power and control in order for you to play by it’s rules and have you conform to a system that is in no way in alignment with Mother Nature.
So you’re having a major allergic reaction…completely normal…does it help to know that? You’re actually in the right and normal. So cut yourself some slack and refrain from judging anything you’ve gone through. The key is to be gentle with yourself…like a baby learning to walk…a baby would never learn to walk if it kicked its own ass every time it fell down…so you’re down at the moment. Realize the truth, that you come from pure positive energy, you’re a divine being having a human experience…welcome to Earth. Having fun yet? You’re playing a game…so play, have fun, and play by your rules and don’t take anything too seriously. Listen to your own little voice inside you. 14 is a hard transition. Maybe you’re doing a fantastic job and too caught up in your own drama to see it. What if you started to tell yourself the story I’m telling here…that’s far more true than what you’re saying, not to take away from any pain and confusion you feel right now. If you want to talk to someone you can skype me…my id is softsoul9 Up to you. Things can change when you hear the truth and info that is in service of YOU. Why not you? You deserve it methinks. Cheers.
Joel, I would never put them in jail! It hasn’t even crossed my mind if it’s a good idea, because I know it’s not.