That’s what it has felt like for a while. Like I’m just lingering in this fucking limbo where I know I’m tired of living, I know I only hurt people and disappoint them and make their lives more difficult. I am really just 21 years of promise culminating into failure. My own boyfriend is kind of sick of me, even. I can tell. I don’t talk about this stuff with him because he doesn’t deserve the burden. Though I guess it’s hard to hide it when you get depressed (I am not diagnosed, my twin brother is; I have too much shame to see a doctor ever.) And depression makes you not want to do anything anymore – Hanging out with friends, eating well and regularly, even sex. I don’t even masturbate anymore. I am pathetic.
I’d like to think I’ll grow a pair and actually do something soon, but I’ll probably just keep lingering. Except, I don’t want to. I feel like I’m stuck. And I’m tired of who I am, to the point where I daydream about just suddenly waking up in a different body, being a person people would like: Someone who is kind and considerate and sociable and funny and not just awkward and shy and quiet.
And I’m tired of worrying about all the people who would be “hurt” by my death. I feel like shit every day on the inside. I go to my stupid little fast food job and smile and talk cheerfully to people and I’m able to seem cheerful around friends and carry on a bit of conversation. But often, at random times, like driving or just showering in the morning, I’ll just get this overwhelming feeling of sadness, like sinking into a hole. I just want to end things, but at the same time I am unable to do so, and also unable to convince myself I could “fix” my life and make it a life I’d want to keep living.
Today I read an article about a very beautiful forest in Japan where people often go to commit suicide. Maybe someday I will save up money to go see Japan, like I’ve always wanted to, and I can find a peaceful end there. I just know the thought will invade my thoughts and dreams from here on out.
Sorry to ramble. Just scroll on by. It’s nice to just get this out.
2 comments
I feel pretty much like you.My awkwardness prevented me to have real friends all my life until I got to the point where I decided that being this different was a kind of pride.
Try it,it help a bit.
I’ve also always wanted to go to japan.Maybe because all of these illusion i got from watching so much Anime.
Anyway if you want to talk,I,d be glad to.
I’m sorry for not seeing your reply! I had to remove this site from my browser history for quite a while. I’m too ashamed to have anyone I know see that I am a member here. :/ I sent you an email, too. Thank you for reading my words! 🙂