**pardon my lack of grammar and editing but i just don’t give enough of a damn.**
I’m only fifteen.
I have spent my tiny little life feeling like I’m on the outside of everything looking in on it.
Do you know the feeling, like you are the only one who realizes just how fucked up everything is? I do and i feel that way every day. All the rich white people at my overly socially competitive high school, my family life, society, the way our world works, life, they all seem like a circus act to me. i feel like almost every person on earth sees life as a fluffy cake with sweet pink icing on top. i see life as some dried up moldy dough in the corner of a kitchen.
i have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to have ADD, some learning disorder, gifted-ness, and who knows what other curses. the worst part of this is that it causes me to think faster, more, and deeper about everything. if you are on this website than i know that you know that life would be a hell of a lot less painful if you could stop thinking.
when i analyze every moment of every second i realize that i hate everything about everything. i know i don’t want to live another eighty years like this, and that is why i cant make up my mind. i don’t cut myself, i don’t try to end it all, i just accept all this pain, and it kills me because sometimes that makes me wonder if i am actually depressed, or just weak. i fear death and i don’t have the courage to endure physical pain, but i don’t want to be happy.
living out my life feeling as i do is not an option to me, but the thought of living a happy care-free life disgusts me.
i am empty, i refuse to live happy or sad and i don’t have it in me to put an end to it.
i am an empty shell looking in on a world of foolish puppets.
it is hell.
4 comments
I am known for thinking really deep also. I feel it is a curse but yet good sometimes. I think too much and all I ever do is think. I go to bed thinking, I shower thinking, I walk thinking, I listen to music thinking. I duvulge into the world thinking about everything. The more I think the more I hate people, the world, and myself.
Overly analytical observation instead of analytical participation.
Your IQ is probably off the scale too… not Mensa but the top 1% people.
Strange thing about it is so many gifted people are also either autistic or have some accompanying mental disorder.
Seems like the brain cannot be too efficient or it is weaker in other areas.
I’d try CBT if I were you or some type of alternative healing.
Most of the mental drugs are going to dull yuor thinking.
Maybe you could take some 5-htp prebed and some mucuna 40$ upon waking to regulate your serotonin and dopamine levels.
Or maybe try each to see which one evens you out.
You are not weak; what you face, what you overcome, what you think proves otherwise. I can offer no answers and not much solace. But rest assured of this: the main item uniting many of the people on this board is SELF AWARENESS. Analaytical skills. Resistance to bullshit. Unwillingness to ignore truth and embrace lies. Any rational examination of our current society makes you long to be elsewhere. Thoughtful, concerned, realistic people have no function in our world anymore. Our lives are run by egomaniacal psychopaths in Washington and business. Our “heroes” are hollow; our society honors women who starve themselves and men who hit a ball with a stick. To a huge percentage of the population, few things are more important or worthy of their attention than sports, dancing and fucking. This percentage of us that see this society for what it is – a cruel joke designed to keep you from asking the important questions and to keep working to make the super rich richer – when you realize we are little more than ants that own homes and HDTVs – of course you want out. Of course we’d rather be dead than participate in this sham. It’s the RATIONAL reaction. That said — because suicide can hurt so many — by tearing the veil of lies and willful denial from thier eyes — we must trudge on, aware that we are in hell, but unable to do anything but try to avoid the flames.
Maskoftom said it perfectly.