I was reminded tonight of just how horrible of a person I am. It has been made clear to me that I am one of the worst friends a person can have. I’m self-center, uncaring, and one-sided. I used to think that I was an okay friend, that people could count on and come to when they were in need; but appreantly I am the complete opposite of what I believe.
That is the second person to tell me similar things, so apparently it’s true. According to the first one, the world is better off without people like me. I’m really starting to believe that, and I’m beginning to wonder if I should do something about it.
Maybe while everyone sleeps, somewhere hiden for no one to see, a place they’ll never find me so no one is haunted with that memory. I don’t know what I would choose; a gun, pills, a razor, a rope, an ocean that can carry me out to sea, a fire so no one will know that it was me.
So many thoughts run through my mind right now that nothing is clear and I can’t see! Prehaps this world is better off without me?!
4 comments
what about trying to become a more reliable friend ?
This reminds me of being back in high school, where I struggled with horrible depression after abuse and neglect during childhood, and the only good friend I had told me just before graduation that I was “really hard to be around.” I felt so horrible, I just wanted the pain to stop. But later I realized that she was the one that was hard to be around, and that she wasn’t a good friend, and I let myself feel angry at her for saying that. She couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. Getting better friends in college has helped me so much. Friends that know what depression and/or abuse are like have been so much better for me.
Suicide is not the solution hun. Don’t worry about what other people tell you, apparently they can’t handle your personality so you need to get around people that can. Excuse my language but fuck people that put you down ! Your worth more than them.
We all have personality traits that are both good and bad … the key is to recognize them and either to fix the bad and reinforce the good. it could be your friends telling you these things are being honest and open or it could be them who is the selfish, deficient one.
It’s important to assess your own actions honestly to determine where your strengths and weaknesses are. you should also assess your friends to see if their criticism is fair or if they are being unreasonably demanding and selfish.
I have a friend who would ask me to help him and I’d drop everything and go out of my way to lend a hand … however when I needed help, he made excuses and couldn’t be bothered … helping me was always inconvenient … I mean one day I asked him to borrow a tool to fix my vehicle … all he had to do was drive about 2 miles out of his way on the way to work and drop it off … nope … too much trouble because he was in a hurry even though he spent the next half hour on facebook (hardly an activity for anyone in a rush).
Is he still my friend? yes … will I still be helpful? sure – as long as it’s not inconvenient to me … will i ever rely on him? no … in my world he is reduced to what I call a “social friend” someone I will talk to when we cross paths but no longer someone I consider close.
If you assess yourself to be what your friends describe, then you should thank them for being a good enough friend to be honest with you and you should fix those things … one thing about good friends is … they are quick to forgive … so this is certainly not worth considering suicide.
friendly dawg