Does death have to be such a stigma ? If I choose to go can my loved ones be satisfied knowing that peace is with me (I hope) and I no longer suffer the unbearable, day to day mental obfuscation my own mind commits yet is self unrecognizable while it’s happening and too late to matter enough after the fact ? That has been my struggle since I was 18, I suppose, I’m 26 now and I’m ready to join the 27 club(if I get there). Everybody has their problems I suppose and I am no different, however I do feel like a 1 in a couple million when it comes to my harsh, giant fucking mess of layers I have layed beneath me like a giant bowl of spaghetti. As I am writing this I am feeling like a complainer and it probably has to do with my “manliness” I try and over-compensate for to the point it makes me look unstable and just plain, weird. When I was 18 I was actually drugged and (I hate that word)…you know…by a piece of shit man. I am a man(although I certainly don’t feel like one), and in my stupidity, after going and almost killing him, took a bunch of xanax one night and, upon the cries from my girlfriend, turned myself in (why? I regret this everyday of my life). I was charged with a battery felony which stuck, further implicating my life’s struggles and making it damn near impossible to have a career in anything society deems worthwhile and good paying. Added to the fact that cases are public information and readily avaiable to the right sources, how could I ever be famous? The media would destroy me. I went on to have a relationship with this girl for 8 years, and to my stupidity or dumb luck again I left my court documents around and she seen them, when I was much younger. I almost attribute us staying together so long because she felt bad for me, I don’t know, we were definitely on the road to being married and it just seems this incident has ruined my life forever. I’m just ready, I am so paranoid in my life that I have no more friends, people know about my situation and I am deemed a “*****” by some of them and obviously the run of a lot of jokes. My ex has since left me for bigger and better things after 8 years cause I just can’t pull it together. I have nothing or no one else to live for and constantly contemplate suicide.
This morning me and a friend were out partying at a club, drinking, and taking some molly. I decided I’d had enough and stumbled out to his truck, sitting in his truck I started to tear up and told myself I was ready to go, cause I am. Then an act of god struck(?) or not, I don’t know. In his center console was a nice .40 glock pistol (he’s military) staring me in my face, I took out the clip and read that there was 5 bullets in the clip (there are markers on the back). I took out the bullets one by one, hollow points, still tearing up, and then put them back in, I was ready (I did feel bad about leaving a mess in my buddys truck). A few finger on trigger and gun held to the head moments later (always shoot side to side, both hemispheres need to die ot be sure), and I had changed my mind. I am too weak to do this, for now.
Does anybody here agree that sometimes death is better than life (what we perceive as it now, who knows, what if this is death and we start to live after we die?) in certain situations, excluding diseases and disabilities ? I sure do. I sometimes beg god to take me in his own way, but he continues to let me experience pain so sharp that life has turned dull. I welcome death as a new life.
3 comments
Oh my god. You just read my mind. Wah, I feel that it’s unfair how people view suicide. Not to sound childish or anything, but it’s our life and we can do as we wish with it! Even if that means end it. People are on my case all the time, watching me so that I don’t try to commit suicide, and I find it really very annoying. I feel life isn’t for me all this pain I endure everyday, it brings me to tears. Death sounds like an escape from it all.
I agree, and it is not like I have never tried, because me typing on this keyboard shows just that. I feel like 9 out of 10 in my situation would of been gone already, hell, 9 out of 10 would be gone with nobody else knowing but them, mine is “public record.â€
If you decide to go, I hope whatever is over there (if anything) is all you imagined. Or maybe not being able to imagine is the cure, I don’t know.
you read my mind. but luckily you didn’t take the bullet to the head, i know i don’t deserve the life i have been given.but this doesn’t concern me just try to hold on man and maybe you’re ex girl will give you a second chance. it’s nothing much of advice but i try to.