I am a pedophile. There, it’s out in the open for the first time ever. I have sexual feelings towards boys, and it is breaking me down. It started in my childhood, when I experimented with a friend who was the same age, and now I’m stuck with it. I’m in my twenties now, and although I have never abused a child, I do have fantasies and I have visited illegal websites countless times. I don’t feel anything for women, and I’ve never had a girlfriend.
On top of this, I’ve recently been put aside by people whom I considered to be my best friends. They have arranged to go on a roadtrip together, which will be without any doubt whatsoever the most amazing journey of their life, and they have decided that they don’t want me to join them. Actually, they didn’t even tell me, although I’ve been living together with them for the past 5 years, and I had to find out about it by accident. And when I did, they told me all about how I’ve never been a decent friend towards them, and didn’t deserve their friendship.
It’s probably partly because I never had a girlfriend, and they somehow feel that something is wrong with me. So here it comes: how the hell could I lead a normal life in this society? I constantly need to suppress my own feelings, and cannot possibly share them with anybody. Not even my parents. Because if I would, they would either kill me or excommunicate, or they would try to arrange therapy. And to what cause? To try and change who I am? How nature has formed me? Because the cause of my pedo feelings does not lie with abuse in my childhood, I’ve never been forced to do anything. This is as natural as it gets. At the same time, I can say without feeling arrogant that I am a smart person, and it only takes a basic level of intelligence to realise that to carry out my feelings, and seek sexual contact with boys, is morally irresponsible. Recent developments regarding pedo priests, and more importantly the effect it had on their victims throughout their life, is a very clear example of this. I cannot ruin other people’s life just to satisfy my own needs. But how long can I keep this up? How can I trust myself to never let my guard slip? How long can I control myself, while at the same time I am tearing myself apart and alienating myself from friends and from this society in general? The only solution I can find by reasoning is to kill myself before things can get out of hand. What else?