My mother tuts and scolds me when I say things like how I think she and the rest of the family would have been better off without me, but I think I’m right. I’ve been a financial and emotional burden for most of my life, and now I suppose it’s mostly financial, but what does it matter.
My mom’s boyfriend flipped out on me a couple nights ago, what triggered it is still kind of a mystery, but apparently he had a real bone to pick because he screamed abuse at me for the better part of an hour. It wouldn’t bother me if none of it were true, because it’s a lot easier to laugh at an idiot’s drunken ravings when they don’t have any real bearing on my identity. But he was going on about how I’m just a big drain on everyone in the family, and how I’m a loser and since I failed my music class and am dropping it, that all I ever do is drop classes, waste money and basically am just worthless because I’d rather pursue writing than a trade or something pragmatic like a doctor (which I can’t do because I’m not smart enough, but hey whatever). He thinks that because I am good at writing and reasonably intellectual in general, I must be good at everything and just not trying when I struggle, I suppose. And that I may as well not even bother going to school to learn about art because art is a useless thing nobody pays you for.
He bellowed on and on about how I am really just a stupid, ignorant *****, and how everyone is fed up with me. Asking me what was wrong with me, telling me there were a bunch of pills in the bathroom so I should just off myself, etc.
I was up there visiting my mother because she’d had brain surgery three days earlier, and was supposed to spend the week there, but I told him I was done with him, told him to fuck off, called him a cock and booked a bus home early. I’m tired of being bullied by him, this is the fourth time he’s done this and I wasn’t about to lay down and be a doormat again. I hadn’t fought back the last few times and where had it gotten me? I’d still hurt just as much, just hadn’t stood up for myself, so it had not bettered my situation to be quiet in the past.
My mom had to drive us both to the bus depot and stay in a motel because he wouldn’t stop hollering even at 3 in the morning. The brain surgery was done by moving up through her leg, which is the only reason she was even able to run a car.
I know he’s just a dick, and a small-minded booze hound without any justification for how he acted. Still I feel like all of the things I’ve done right in the last couple of years have been invalidated by the stuff he said. Like none of my accomplishments in school meant anything because it was for a useless art degree. Like the fact that I worked all summer last year to pay for my own way, babysitting, was just nothing, because it wasn’t a “real job” and I couldn’t keep up with it once I began school.
I haven’t felt suicidal in about six months, but I do again now. I know my mom’s probably going to stay with him anyway, which just means I won’t really get to see her much if ever anymore. She lives about 5 hours away and can’t really afford to take time to visit me here, plus I don’t have anywhere for her to stay if she does, which ends up making it even more expensive. Plus, it sort of adds insult to injury if she ultimately decides that the guy is still okay even if he hates me. I guess in a way I can’t blame her, because like I said, she’d probably be better off without me. But she isn’t without me, I still exist, so it feels like I’m just not worth a damn instead.
I doubt I’m worth much of a damn regardless. I know I don’t have much of a future in relationships. I’ve been really lonely lately, visiting my mother was something I was looking forward to a lot (particularly after the surgery went well) because I’d been needing to spend time with people. I thought she and her boyfriend and I would have a fun trip together, he’d been treating me nicer lately. Apparently he was just pretending though, as he told me two nights ago. I doubt he wanted me there to begin with. I’m sure that, in his mind, my mother would be better off if I’d never existed too. I suppose the thought isn’t of any help though.
A lot of people out there have unimaginably worse lots in life than I do. I wish I could give them a life like mine and see what they did with it.
I wish I knew a way to commit suicide that I felt comfortable trying given my living arrangements. Oh well. Please don’t suggest any as it’s against the rules here.
2 comments
No matter what you choose the single most important thing is to never ever do anything because of him.
Nothing.
Nada.
Do not even think a single thought or move a single muscle because of anything he says.
In this way you can take all his power away.
I think The Guardian offers sound advice. Your mom’s BF is not worth a second of your time or energy. Also, I was quite drawn to the last part of your entry about giving your life to others and seeing what they did with it. That statement resonates with me because growing up, my mother would always tell me not to be down or sad because there were other people In the world who were worse off than I was, like, for example, impoverished people In third world countries. But whose to say our psychological pain doesn’t measure up to their economic distress? I can say from my own experience that emotional pain and depression can be excruciating.