You can call me Robert for now, even though that’s not my true name. You’ll never know my actual name, unfortunately, because I won’t be around to tell it to you. Obviously, i plan to kill myself, but you would be mistaken if you thought that i was sad right now. As a matter of fact,this is the first time that I’ve felt happy in years! Finally, finally, I have found a way to end myself; to put a stop to the horrible thing that is my mind.
Over the years, I have been plagued with psychopathy. I couldn’t even walk down the fucking street without wanting to kill somebody or blow something up, it was pretty nasty. Those feelings have been partially subdued by several months of therapy, but there are still horrible traces of them within my mind. Despite the therapy, I still have visions of people dying and of other fucking horrible things that i cant even begin to describe. My drive to kill has not been subdued (or acted upon, thankfully enough). I have prayed to god to make these visions and feelings stop, but either he is ignoring me or he doesn’t exist. It must be the latter, for what good god would let me suffer like this?
There is a hollow in my heart now, where the good things used to be. It’s proven near impossible to refill that hollow, and I just don’t see the point in trying to make myself happy anymore.
Is there any human man who could call himself happy amongst these horrific visions of bloodshed? If there is, I should not want to meet that man.
I am ending my life not for my own good, but for the general good of humanity. I am afraid that I may hurt or kill people, and I do not think that those hypothetical people should have to suffer because of my disorder. A goodbye is not necessary. Most people will be happy to see a monster like me go.
Of course, the therapy may save me in the end. That is always a possibility.
4 comments
You sound a lot like me… I sometimes have the desire to commit mass murder as well, but I’ve never done it because I value my freedom; I don’t want to go to prison for 20 years until the finally execute me (for some reason the system just takes that long).
I don’t know when I realized I was such a sick bastard, but even now I refuse therapy because I don’t want it on my record. I suppose the best way to go is silently… As I’ve said earlier, I value freedom, that’s why I would like to kill myself as well, because life itself is my prison… and only death will set me free.
Why do I hate humanity so much? Well… mainly because (some) people just piss me the fuck off. Why do they piss me off? Because some of us aren’t programmed to get along with others, that’s why. Then again, these are just my opinions. Obviously the majority has opinions that differ from my own simply because they are able to tolerate and be friends with each other.
But then again… humanity deserves to die (all living beings were born to die, and that’s what we do best). Killing others would just speed up the process… Now I’m not saying anyone should actually commit murder, because for some certain reasons why I (personally) can’t fathom (because my brain is not programmed this way), death is taboo and murder is shunned upon by mainstream society…. Yet we enjoy watching people get killed on television and killing imaginary people in video games.
Now, I don’t see myself a monster for wishing death upon humanity, because we are all headed in that direction anyways. Some would argue that death is a good thing. Honestly, I don’t believe there is such thing as good or evil; these are just simply opinions that formed in humanity’s imaginations over the course of the centuries.
Maybe… some people were put on this Earth to keep the population in check. Mass murderer, genocide and ultimately self destruction. To the majority, these things are wrong… But what is right and wrong anyways? To Adolf Hitler, killing the Jews was right and he managed to convince an entire country it was right. Same with Japan and how they murdered the Chinese. And George Bush for murdering Muslims and Al Qaeda terrorists for murdering Americans…. It’s right to someone, but wrong to someone else; perhaps there is no such thing after all as “right or wrong”, it’s just simply an opinion.
We all have our dark passengers. Maybe give therapy another month, see if it continues to help your dark visions subside. The choice is yours and yours alone.
speaking of people and death:
this planet would be better off without humans .. I mean, all we’re doing is exploit natural resources in excess and show little to no respect for other forms of life .. isn’t this abusive behavior on a global scale ? and who decided a human life should be valued over other forms of life ? that guy they refer to as God ?
here we are, conceited enough to believe our lives are so important and that death is a calamity .. f-ck this shit
Lots of us have monsters inside us – But something that I have learned is that visions and thoughts don’t kill, it is what you chose to do with them that is the thing.
I visualize my own death – many times over each day, but that does not kill me – but I don’t give time to the thoughts either – I brush them off as I would fluff on my shirt. it is tiring – yes, very tiring but thoughts alone cannot hurt.
Long term therapy will help, but it is not the therapist that makes us better – they are a guide and we have to do all the hard work. It will get easier – I am sure of that, I cannot say it will be easy though, but I think you have some hope and that is a good thing.