Good as it gets

I come from a pretty good family. My father is dead but it seems normal to me. I have a car, I’m in college, I will always have a place to stay and enough money to make it through school comfortably. I’ve cut myself before, it was when I was in Iraq. I wasn’t happy, it wasn’t the whole “war” bothering me, it was the people. I don’t like being a girl. I feel out of place. The Army doesn’t care. It was a hard year for me. I’m 24 and I’m staying with my mom until I finish college. She’s nice. Buys me what I need. Doesn’t care about my mind state much. She thinks I’m going to hell. She doesn’t like that I am gay and that’s understandable. We don’t talk about it. She also doesn’t want her friends to see me. I have a twin sister. My sister works for my mom. My sister is not in school and makes her living working for our Mom. I’ve been to Iraq, make straight A’s in school, I had big plans for my life. It’s not good enough for her. I see the “It get’s better” videos online. I’ll admit that it did. Now when I drop my mom off at work or pick her up or drop something by her office, she doesn’t rush me out before her friends see me. She doesn’t make me come in the back anymore. I don’t have to wait in my car if it’s going to be a while. I guess I can thank my sister for that. She brought it up how my mom avoids letting her friends see me. It sucks that I will always be compared to my sister. She’s the pretty one, the girly one and my mother’s favorite. All of that is ok with me. All I wanted was to just be accepted as I am. I’m supposed to hide my sexuality from the family or be outcast. I hide it. It’s easy now. I don’t go out and date anymore. I don’t really leave the house anymore. I am in my room all the time now since the school semester ended. I think a lot about life and death. What do I have to look forward to? Hiding who I am or staying somewhere far away, alone. What will happen when I die? Probably the same thing that happened before I was born. Maybe it will be better. I have changed over the years. I don’t like being around people. I don’t like anyone to touch me. I’ve grown to hate my older brother because of the small things he says to me that makes me want to kill him. I don’t talk to him either. I talk to God. Not the Christian or Muslim or any of those Gods. I talk to mine. I’ve been asking since I was 8 for something other than this life. Bullied from 2nd grade till 6th. No friends in 7th and 8th. High school was better. Senior year I was teased again. College I came out to my mom and was mocked. Joined the Army and my isolation began. Now, almost 6 years later and my contract is almost up and my mental state is down the drain. Verbal abuse, mental abuse and constant mockery. It wont get better. This is as good as it will be for me.