I made the decision when I was 14 years old that I did not want to live, life was just not worth it.
I know now, about to be 24 that I was too young to make that decision, but in almost 10 years, a week has not gone by when I don’t want it too end.
I put a gun to my head that night, and was to afraid to pull the trigger. I have kept holding guns to my head so much, the number probably is close to a thousand….it has become so bad, that a majority of my nights, I have to hold my pistol to my head to even fall asleep. It has become the only thing that makes me feel i have control.
People have always told me things get better, but ever since I was nine years old my life has been rolling down hill.
I never got a chance to have true goals and ambitions. Any one that might pop in my head is no where near my want to not exist.
I have tried so many things in my life, changed myself so many times. Nothing ever makes me feel like it is worth life.
I destroy any relationship that might be good for me, and am literally afraid when something good happens. When bad things happen i get some sense of peace that comes with the pain…just knowing that this might be one thing to help me end it.
Im now addicted to adderall along with cigarettes…quit smoking for a year..forced myself to start back up because I realized if all else fails maybe this will kill me early…quit adderall for a few months…started back on it because I realized the scitzo feeling i get from that is better than the depression it helps block sometimes… I now work between 55-65 hours a week…going through 100 plus 20mg IR adderall pills a month…and wishing I could get more.
I am constantly broke for many reasons…few of which i have any control over…
I do not even own any of my own cloths…all are from my father who gives me his old ones and ones he doesn’t want.
I dont want anything though…i have guns and ammo, i have pills, i have knives and rope….i have exactly what i need.
I dont have anything holding me back in life besides this want to die…im 6’4 180 pounds and good looking. (atleast thats what I hear)..i got a 3.4gpa in highschool when I was smoking as much pot and popping as many pills as i could, and a 4.0 for the year of college i did…
but everything feels pointless…nothing gives me pleasure…i am completely unable to trust anyone anymore…I am desperate for companionship but force people away as soon as i get it…Its not a question of why i do it…i know…
I just wonder how long I am going to keep putting my self through this..
Is 10 years a long enough time to know if your decision is really what you want?
They tell my its just severe depression or bipolar, or ptsd, or some personality disorder, panic disorder, adhd, blah blah blah….Ive spent years on their meds and adderalls the only one that ever gave me a positive effect…enough of them and I dont feel, and I go into automatic mode so i can keep working…
I just dont get it.
7 comments
What is adderall? Sounds like you are really tired is coucilling not helping?
adderall is amphetamines…prescribed for adhd. Ive done years of counseling…they never know what to do…just make me try new things…which i do and they always not being something i want, or something that ends badly…i have no hobbies or interests…end up spending a lot of time staring at the t.v. or playing tetris or some crap…i hang out with people quite a bit but im always the person whos just “there”…never get into the conversations or anything…lifes pretty much just been “passing time” for years…doing what i think i am supposed to based on other peoples opinions of what people should do…yeah im really tired…but not sleepy…just tired of trying…just found this place…just something else to pass the time i guess.
I don’t know you or your situation but these words too similar. Might sound too obvious but i think you have issues with trust and intimacy when it comes to other people. It’s rare that you feel highs, and even when you do they don’t last long and are always followed by severe lows when that something/someone leaves your life. You feel you need stability but the stability you have now with your job and your medication are no good for you and are just there to help you exist rather than really living. The only advice i can give is to find something rather than someone you’re passionate about, something you want to devote all your time to. You may need to get help with your medication, sometimes that can block a lot of feelings out, you need time to think, time to find yourself, to indulge yourself and even starting to learn how to be happy and how you want your life to be and you can’t do all of that if your medication takes you away from your right mind. I’m not telling you what you can and can’t do but i thought i’d give some advice and empathy, i hope either way you find what you’re looking for.
Your absolutely correct, the problem is I have never been passionate about anything. ive looked into every religion i could think of, looked into tons of hobbies, have had many different jobs…gone to college, studied many things on my own…just nothing matters to me. I dont know how to be happy, ive experienced joy but it has always been very short lived and come with the anxiety of knowing that it will be gone soon…its whatever though, not like its gonna change…just one of those things i have to accept.
You don’t like being let down then i take it. I know it sounds cliched but i get creative when i feel like raw shit. Write a lot down, poems, songs, drawings and stuff like that. People can’t really explain why it works, but it really makes you look into how you feel, there’s always an outlet for everybody, finding it is just hard. Write something down and really think about it, look into it, when we recognize the cause our problems and learn how to deal with raw emotions that’s when people can confront them and find a solution. Keep your chin up, a change may come.
I also forgot, instead of trying too hard to find an interest to fill time, try easing into something, don’t fully immerse yourself in it, let it wash over you. It’s the same for most things, relationships, interests, hobbies etc it’s nice to take everything slow, only then can you fully appreciate and enjoy it for what it is.
eh ive expanded my drug use back up to taking klonopin along with my adderall….mixtures kinda strange to my system but i get high none the less…i put everything i have into what ever it is i do…work..relationships that i think have a chance..hobbies…studies…just the way i am…luckily i dont have anything for anything else than work these days so immersing myself into my shitty low paying dead end job seems to be keeping me afloat.