I havent been on here for awhile,not that I was a regular but I did post several times. If you want my backstory,please look it up under my name. I’m too emotionally tired to write it out again,so please dont post and ask me “whats wrong.”
I have tried yet another round of IOP and left feeling hopeful,only to have my world continue to crumble in the days afterwards. The people who are supposed to be my “aftercare support” are either pushing me further to the edge(if thats possible!!!) or looking at me blankly when I reach out for help. The source that i received help from before is no longer one I can use. The people in my life have either long since given up on me or havent known me long enough to really be of support…and to ask that of them would only ruin the fragile thread that exists in those relationships.
The point is,every road leads me back to this one. And I dont mean this board,sorry. Doesn’t Occum’s Razor state that the simplest answer is usually the right one?
I have given it my best shot,and then some more. It’s time to go.
I have time off this weekend….I have plenty of medication that,while it won’t kill me,it will heavily sedate me and allow me to carry out the method of choice without panic during the process. I have practiced the method a few times,and will run over to the board that details this in order to get some final tips. On top of that,I have a backup method. I’m not leaving anything to chance.
I’ve called the prayer lines,had them read me the 23rd Psalm in preparation. I would like to go to confession tomorrow and receive my Last Rites,but not sure how to do this without arousing suspicion. Although i am Catholic,I am skeptical and not 100% sure of what happens next. I would like to believe that if there is a God,He would forgive me for trying to escape my pain after exhausting all of my resources. But if not,there’s not much i can do. If hell exists,it can’t even equal the pain I’ve been through.
So I am summoning up every last bit of strength I have,and instead of wasting it trying to survive,I am going to go through with my plan. Am I afraid of the dying process or what comes next? Of course,I am still human. But I am more afraid of continuing to live in endless pain.
Thank you to all for reading this,and for those who ar like minded,please keep my soul in your prayers. To those who have gone before and will go after me,I do the same.Godspeed and good luck. Know that whatever anyone else may say or try to convince you,you are strong for deciding not to continue the game.
7 comments
That was a very moving post. This plain of existence is the only one where fear exists. When out of the physical you will experience relief & release…you may not know what comes next so why not choose an exhilarating feeling cause that’s what it is. You can trust this or not. Shame, guilt…etc are all aspects of fear and pervaded here. So, in your confession forgive yourself cause God has no need to forgive you or save you. You wish to stop playing the game and you have made a choice. That requires courage, to make a choice. Ask the Universe to support you in a smooth transition and to release any apprehension surrounding your decision. Understand you care that much about yourself that you’re willing to take action. This is a positive. Reading this has been of great benefit for me as well. Expect to be safe, and looked after in your transition. Success is in the journey…know you have succeeded and look upon your life with a positive nature. This is our natural state and the state you are returning to. All the best.
good luck sunbird ..
I hope your transition to the afterlife will be a smooth experience
all the best to you sunbird
mournful dawg
Travel well. I wish u the best. See u soon enough
Good luck. Hope wherever it is you go is better.
Sorry that it’s come to this. It really sounds like you’ve given this place your best effort. I wish you all the best.
Hi Sunbird, if you are still around I wanted to tell you it was a pleasure talking to you. I understand that in the end we have to respect your decision. I want to let you know if you are still here that my roommate, the one I have written to you about, never came to me and let me know anything was wrong. Although I only knew her under a year and we knew each other somewhat well, I would have stopped everything in my life to help her in any way. I would have given her support, listened to her, and been there for her. It wouldn’t have changed my view of her in anyway. If you do have a friend or someone you know that you can talk to, like a roommate or work friend, I would ask you to please do that first. You will still have time to go through it if it doesn’t help. You are a very nice/caring person. If I am too late then I hope to meet you sometime in the afterlife.