Light Burned Out;;

So I found something of mines from about a year or two ago and I decided to put it up on here. Everyone puts up the troubles they’ve been through and I’d like to share what I’ve written back then and maybe when later on, if I make it through with life, I could look back to my posts. Anyways, this was made around 2010 or ’11. This was for my friend, who was also facing depression like me and we both promised we wouldn’t do anything horrible to each other. I felt like I failed her and that she wouldn’t ever forgive me, surprisingly she did, when I made this choice. Instead of separating us, it gave us a stronger bond. I was going through a much worse and harder time than now and unfortunately, it was the day I tried to attempt suicide, failing. So it was actually my suicide letter even though I actually said I wasn’t going to, so here it goes:

I am sorry. I never actually thought that things would turn out this way and I guess this was the only way I could escape it. The fact that this is our last goodbye brings that pain to my gut, if I could still feel all of these things people call emotions. 

After all, I’d blocked everything from my point of view.

Emotions are gone and I can no longer be that normal girl. Honestly, I’m not trying to hurt myself. I’m just shutting off the world, away. I’ll “try” and act like the same person I once was today or yesterday, but tomorrow I won’t be the same. Please be prepared for that.

I won’t smile the way I used to. There will be that lost feeling inside of me, you won’t see this girl anymore. Now I’m smiling with tears in my eyes as I write this letter, wondering why I’m giving in. I promised you that I wouldn’t give up but I guess promises break when you’re pushed over the edge, right?

Please don’t do anything to yourself. I know you told me that I meant the world to you and that I was the one who understood more than anyone could but I’m really sorry. It’s my choice so please forgive me when I do this. Well, I don’t expect you to forgive me for doing something as messed up as this.

Love, please understand that everything happens for a reason. I can’t tell you what my reason is for doing something unexplainable like this, but understand me when I say this: I can’t be saved. Actually, I don’t even know if I want to be saved, noticed, or left alone. What goes around in my mind, I honestly have no idea. I don’t know anything anymore.

I hate myself for doing this, for even hating myself. I’ve always had. Did you know, 5 years ago- I never thought I would come out to be like this. I was actually happy back then but I remember none of that now. I don’t even remember what it’s like to actually smile for real. To actually feel. To go through every morning with a real smile on your face, not something forced, even when people believe it. I really am sorry but again, I don’t expect you to forgive me. A promise is a promise.

I know that you’re thinking of all these horrible thoughts. I might be putting you into more pain but this was my choice and I’m ready to face the consequences. But when I do this, when you learn about what I’ve done to myself, don’t come after me. If you come after me, I’ll never forgive you or myself. 

Sweetheart, there are things in life better left behind closed doors. My reasons for choosing to do so with this plan, it’s better to be kept a secret. Trust me when I say that it’s better to spend your life not knowing anything than to live your life asking yourself why I would do this to myself. The reasons are simple and I’ll tell you one of them: I hate my life.

There are constant voices in my head telling me all of these things that I try to ignore, but somehow they find their way into my head. I can’t escape it and there’s nothing I can do to release it. When I cut, it’s gone for a while but it comes back with a harder impact. When I cry, it keep going on. It continues to torment me no matter what state I’m in. I swear I’m going crazy. I don’t wanna go crazy. I really don’t want to.

I’m not lying when I tell you all of these things. My mind is filled with these images, these information, these horrible things. I’m not perfect and nobody is but I want to be. I don’t wanna be laughed at anymore. I don’t wanna be called ‘ugly’ or any of those things. They hurt like you’ve been literally stabbed in the back, like you’ve been shot by bullets. It hurts like hell.

13 years. 13 years of an amazing roller coaster ride. With so many downs and few ups, music and the people who try to help are the only keys I have left for sanity.

Remember when I told you I was anorexic? I wasn’t lying. Lately, I’ve been consumed in this media of who is perfect and what to do. I’ve been so caught up in trying to be perfect that I forgot what was really important. Honestly, I forgot what was. That’s how much the thoughts of trying to be perfect caught up with me. It erased every important thing on my list and has completely overtaken me. I hate it.

Do you know the quote: “Words don’t hurt.”?

Well, whoever wrote was right. Words don’t hurt. They don’t hurt us. They kill us. They grab us from our weakest parts and throws us on the ground, repeatedly trying to kill it. It’s a terrible feeling actually. I don’t want you to feel that, so please let me go. Let me go and we’ll both be free.

This isn’t a suicide note, it was never meant to be from the start. It’s a note telling you that when you wake up and go to school tomorrow, when you see me, I won’t be that girl you used to talk to anymore. I won’t complain to you about having depression. All of that is gone. I won’t be smiling, laughing, cracking jokes with you anymore. At least, not in the previous state I was in. I’ll smile, laugh, crack jokes, and help you through your hard times. Just remember that the girl who was with you this whole year, isn’t the girl you’ll meet tomorrow. There will be something missing and you’ll know it from the moment you see.

My light has burned out.