Not even sure why I’m posting here. I guess I want to know if anyone feels the same as me, what do I do etc.
I basically can’t seem to handle life. I was booted from home when I was 14. Apparently a bad situation with neighbours caused us to move when I was 11 and according to my mother this unsettled me in my life. I was a stable, well achieving girl before that.
Now I am 32. I have had strings of bad relationships, one after the other. Ending for reasons which may or may not have been my fault – who knows these days. I am now in a fantastic relationship. With a man who loves me unconditionally.
The problem these days is me. I am never happy. I have beautiful cats, two of them are old and have terminal illness. It costs a lot of money to take them to the vet, my car keeps breaking down. The same things keeps happening to it over and over. When I think I’ve thrown enough money at it and finally I can relax, it does it again. I have no money. I work full time in a profession I’ve been trying to get out of for 8 years, and at payday I have money for half an hour. I pay all the things I need to pay, I have nothing left. I spent $500 on my car last pay and it’s still broken. I can’t trust anyone to do the right thing, or what they say they’re going to do.
I feel like I can’t trust anyone in the world, like nothing is going to improve.
The bottom line is; Every day feels like an epic struggle. From the second I drag my sorry overweight ass out of bed and manage to get ready, I have already convinced myself I am ugly, retarded at trying to make myself look nice, but I look terrible. I usually have to change repeatedly so I can even leave the house. On the way to work, something inevitably happens to my car, I stress out. I get to work, everyone hassles me, no one takes responsibility. The thing is, everyone else seems FINE.
So there it is, plain. I’m the one who is not right. I dream about the movie “The Butterfly Effect”. I dream that I can do what he does, turn back time, and strangle myself in my mothers womb.
No matter what I try, I don’t fit into this world. I probably haven’t even made any sense on this website and people are going to read it and think; “WTF is up with this retard”.
Death is the only solution. And it’s not from self pity, I feel it is just truth. I feel it so surely and honestly in my guts. I was never meant to be here, and my existence is a mistake.
4 comments
Sometimes life is a shit sandwich you have to hang in there for the good bits..that’s all I can say
“I am now in a fantastic relationship. With a man who loves me unconditionally.”
That’s something to hang on to. I can only dream of such a relationship. I used to be loved by the most beautiful woman in the world for a little while until she eventually just couldn’t accept me anymore. I won’t have anything like that again.
Anyway, if your life is too complicated to bear, simplify it. Get a low maintenance haircut, get rid of all mirrors except one, choose your clothes in advance the night before. Get up in the mornings just late enough o that you can make it on time to work but that you don’t have time to fiddle around at home.
I’m guessing you live in the wonderful USA and using a bycicle or public transport aren’t viable options?
It’s normal that you hate your job, most people actually do. If others seem fine they’re lying or worse still lying to themselves. I’d say the fact that you’re unhappy with your work is a healthy sign that unlike your “colleagues” you haven’t assimilated the unacceptable as good, haven’t yet made of resignation a virtue or way of life.
“I feel like I can’t trust anyone in the world, like nothing is going to improve. ” What about that man that loves you unconditionally?
Just hang in there. You seem to have mistaken being surrounded by assholes for being worthless.
Thank you. Your words are wise.
I don’t know if I should even be posting here. But sometimes I feel like it all gets to me so much that I just feel like my head is going to explode, and I don’t know what to do!!!!
I know my man worries about me 🙁 I wish I didn’t make him worry, he’s the sweetest person I know.
I don’t live in the USA, but the transport in Australia isn’t so bad. It is just difficult to get my kitties to the vet is all..
Anyway I just had a stressful and upsetting day, and although my Mum always tells me that my feelings are important and real (not that she is the picture of mental health herself), I always feel like a spoiled little idiot feeling like I do. Many people are worse, MUCH worse off than me. It just makes it feel worse that I feel this! Your non-judgemental words are appreciated.
Of course other people are worse off, I can relate to feeling bad about posting here. I have it bad but all in all nowhere near as bad as some of the people around here. That said that others have it worse doesn’t invalidate your pain and problems at all. Comparing sorrows is a pointless exercise. You’re no less deserving of a good, fulfilling life than anyone else.
Just hang in there, k? Good luck.