back again. this actually helps. so went to work today. didn’t want to. not after yesturday. not after my boss yelled at me and embaressed me in front of everyone. i thought how bad can he be today. turns out, not bad. except that…. he didn’t acknowledge what he did yesturday. no apology no anything. i used to have so much respect for him. i looked up to him, he is an awesome vet and surgeon. and i respected that and him. but now i have none left for him. he treated me like crap and did not apologise or give a hint of remorse, didn’t even look guilty. where as i on the other hand felt like crap every time i went near him. i felt guilty and sorry and mad and what ever else. all morning i just wanted to walk out the door and not come back. i wanted to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. i came home thinking about how much i hated feeling this way. how i had let someone else make me feel like shit. make me feel like i didn’t belong in this life. make me feel disgusted with myself. i had told myself that would never happen again. and it has. i want to beable to say it will be ok and that i will be ok. but i know that it will happen again. whether its my boss yelling at me or being assaulted or just me on a bad day. i have tried to make things better. i moved, i got a fantasstic job. or i thought it was fantastic. I guess in some ways i still love it. i am not planning to kill myself though reading over this it sounds like i am. sort of. just some of my thoughts and feelings.
2 comments
2 comments
hi tired, this is my first post. i’m so glad you’re reaching out and talking. do you have access to a counselor at all? a counselor could really support you in dealing with stuff getting to you. I want to get one too, as I struggle with that as well. I’m sorry your boss yelled at you in front of other people. That must have felt so awful, so disappointing. I hear that you look up to him, so that must have made it especially tough. but you’re right, this kinda stuff will happen again, because that’s just life. It’s so important that you try to work to not hearing it as being about you. it is NEVER about you when someone else has stuff going on for them. it’s not your fault. you might want to look into this philosophy called NVC; it’s all about removing fault from life: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication It’s helped me a lot. Keep talking though, there are so many people out there who want to support you.
hi greylady, will defently read that link. sounds interesting. thanks. i tried a counselor or ‘s. none really helped me. this was a little while back. i though about going back. but i have moved closer to the city and unforutnately they are alot more expensive. i will try though.
thanks