People have told me. Just wait a few years and it’ll get better. I’m waiting…

Will I suddenly feel better as soon as I’m out of high school. Is that the big change. I’m sorry, but one year is long enough. 

I waited a while, it hasn’t changed much, or I’m too focused on one thing to see it. I, instead, have been going through shitty times (yet I may have over-exaggerated a bit) and that hasn’t really motivated me to keep going.

Please I don’t wan to wait any longer. A part of me wants to end it, it’s probably when I’m most depressed. There’s another part that wants to wait it out. 

The problem with having 2 or more perspectives/personalities is you’re torn between 2 conflicting sides and having more problems arise doesn’t help the pleading case. 

I am lonely, I want a girlfriend, yet I have a problem with communication. I want to get on anti-depressants or some method to help me, but I want to also join the Army/Marines and I’m pretty sure you can’t join if you don’t pass a psychological check-up including being suicidal. 

I’m not sure of anything anymore. I just took some ibuprofen for the pain, took 3 200mg or something of liquid capsules at around 6 and then another of 300mg or something, but I barely feel anything. My numbers are probably way off, but anyways. 

I had the mindset that if I try to mentally harden myself, then I would be able to better prepare myself for anything. Instead I may have messed up badly and broke the way of thinking in my head in some way. 

My motivation went and took a huge shit and I can’t get it out. In normal terms, I have extremely low motivation for doing anything. I can’t even make myself fall asleep. (probably because I’m stuck thinking, but anyways). 

My ideals have been shot to hell as well, causing me to wonder about everything with a heavy dosage of cynicism and pessimism into the mix. 

I think about the end of the world, illuminati, suicide, debt slavery, and am in favor of all, but the latter. I don’t want to go through that. I fear for it thanks to Kieran/Biscuit_of_Death. 

If you remember Biscuit/Kieran, then I now consider you an OSPer. He feared living a dead-end job, paying off his debts for the rest of his life, working just to pay more, and adding to his stress not allowing him to be with his boyfriend at his university. (Is he still alive, or still paranoid about people snooping on his OSP account?)

Now add that all together into a rice ball with all the pieces of rice different things that I spoke and also things I haven’t remembered to explain like how the bullying left both an emotional and physical scar on me. 

Sorry I blanked out. Was imagining my first day of senior year at a new school. I still have summer school though, and am extremely low on credits, needing to make up 2 classes and and extra 4 semesters of something else. 

Time for me to get off as I must take a shower that I don’t want to. Anyways posting this and yeah. Comment on more than the stuff at the beginning and end. -Rogue and Nate.