I have survived abuse, car accidents, living in gang riddin, drug-dealing neighborhood as a child, being married to a cop and having him take my kids and do weird/mind fuck type things to get back at me for leaving him, jail, drug addiction, homelesness, being outcasted from any blood family I new of (I didn’t grow up knowing family really). IDK I’ve been through a hell of alot and all I hear from people that I am strong and what am I gonna do with my life. “I have soo much potential” I’m told.
I’m sick of being here. I am sick of the ups and downs. I am sick of the PTSD. I am sick of always being alone. I am sick of wanting to be alone. I am sick of life. Like how much more Universe? Seriously how much more will you put on my shoulders to bear? I am tired. I am tired and I am tired of always having to fight to survive, to keep on going. I get a little momentum up and everything switches up on me. Another curve ball. Why is who ever it is making life so hard on me. I’ve been called an Angel by more than 1 person. How is it I can be so helpful or whatever to others and feel so helpless to myself? Is this my purpose…to go through shit so others won’t have to. And to just keep taking it. I’m tired…IDK what else to say here now. It’s hot outside people in my ghetto ass apartment complex are BBQing and getting high. And I just want to slip away into the abyess. Please let something happen to change my life circumstances. Or is it all about ‘perspective’?….blah blah blah
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I’m right there with ya. It’s a lot eh? Oy…I bet money on you being an Angel, or a light warrior. I’d also bet you have a lot of help around you… Wild stuff. If you’ve decided you want to go, ask the Universe to take you in whatever way is most pleasing to you. I’d vote for relief & release for you. Take care.
softsoul, i really liked your reply….thank you. it’s like I’m not sure if i am ready to go yet but like i wish i still was as determined to leave as i was 10 years ago. either i dont have the guts to let go or my guts are telling me it’s not time yet? thats how my Mom left…she went to sleep and decided to leave us. her circumstances were weird….she wrote notes, left important things out and called me to say goodbye. determined natural causes. her dad was really good at using his mind/brain to control his body and i think she did too and probably i may too,….just give myself over.
but i feel like i’m fighting for an unseen to me something or other…….as if i’m being held back here on this earth plan and i’m not aloud to leave yet. i gotta find a way to be happy, content in acceptance or LET GO also requiring acceptance.
I’m wearing myself out fighting everything. I take myself, but usually nothing or anybody else around me seriously. It’s like I’m hell bent on being miserable or……who knows? I’m probably doing this to myself.
thank you so much for your insightful non-judgemental advise, it feels very empowering. thank you softsoul.
tell me about it
fuck a reason to live and fuck perspective ..
I’d be extremely thankful to the person who decided to kill me
tired of being stuck here .. give me death or give me death
truthbetold….that’s right! You feel stuck here too huh? fuck what the fuck is up with that?
thank you for your response
Pain in life is inevitable… Some people go thru life and i swear they wouldn’t know pain if it kicked them in the face and shouted… While there are ithers who never seem to habe a pain free day… Pain isn’t fair neither is life… But there is a purpose for your survival, everything in life has purpose, our goal is to just find that purpose… Your story is a story that seems unbelievable… Maybe your story is one that should be shared by you to encourage others, you can be the one who can say, I’ve been to hell and back and I’m still here so i know for sure you can too! I may not know you personally but i can relate to your pain… I found my strength to live on by encouraging others to do the same: Live!
mizznojo,
That’s what my Mom always used to say…”Life isn’t fair Trina”
Ok, so true that yeah life may not be fair, Ok. How do I integrate that, into why does it feel like a dung bomb is instantly dropped on me just when I begin to chilax and start to feel like I’m stabilized or stabilizing? And I’m talking internally stable, feelling grounded. Out of curiousity, do most people walk around sensing that they are pretty grounded in life? Or I wonder do most people walk around feeling like their head is in the upper atmosphere floating, watching the earth from above? Hanging in suspended animation, gazing longingly below at the flow, that appears to moving along just fine in the day to day of people’s lives?
No huge events that carry on it’s hip the weight of burden making hard to catch a good breath? By the time I’m over the shock, ready to chip away at the scales of dismay & harm left carelessly in (fill in the blank) the wake of said ‘event’; Oh & look,..wait for it, wait for it. Yup! On with the next slam to my already fragile exsistence.
How do I take control of my life? I think the answer lays in taking control of myself. And I can do that…for a while. It usually doesnt last though. It’s as if I dont’ have enough time in between events to strong or wise enough so i can better handle the next thing. I’m thrown off easily. Like I need to get my footing. Maybe I’m lazy and simply need to buckle down, stop pussying out when things get tough and just be even tougher than whatever I’m facing. Facing….ha! That’s it! I DONT FACE THE THINGS THAT I BELIEVE ARE TOO HARD FOR ME, I HIDE. Which is why It keeps getting up in my face, so I can stand up put my shoulders back stand tall and walk through what scares me and maybe it’ll go away.
I think i’ve tried doing that once or twice but dont remember going in my favor. A different approach maybe?
One more thing, you said every life has a purpose our goal is locating it. But I think we wont really know what it was until we’re gone and can look back at it all. The big picture….and for this girl it better be big! and mean a damned thing important to someone I care about. or else, hey, what’s the point? right? who wants to spend life in 80% misery then fight just to survive only to find out that you didn’t do a damned thing or mean much to anyone important? I don’t.
I’ve got so much I’m up against and I do lose heart. I care so much that i dont even care anymore.
Thank you for your comment every little bit of feed back I get feeds me and helps me see things differently.