You can’t give up. You are killing me inside.

We broke up a a while ago. Why? He thinks it’s because I liked someone else. It’s not. But thats what my ex “best friend”, Sara, told him. fucking liar. He says she told him that she hates me. Oh well, she wasn’t a great friend anyways. But it hurts that he believes her. He was my best friend. He posted on here about this. But. the truth is, I broke up with him because I loved him, and I couldn’t deal with the distance, we were dating for months, yet saw each other TWICE. That and I was going to take him back until I realized he refused to get help. But every time i told him to get help, he refused. what was supposed to be the third time, he ditched me for Sara because she had a court date the next day. Even though Sara was the one who told him I was a lesbian, and to be perfectly honest, she is the only other reason we broke up. Because I felt GUILTY. Even though she went out of her way to hurt me, I FELT GUILTY.
The rest of the times we were supposed to see each other, i wasn’t allowed. So I couldn’t cope. I still wanted to be friends, like before. i guess that when people say “we can still be friends”, they are lying. Does this sorta thing ever work out? I wish. I don’t want to lose you, devin, but you say I made you cry. And I hate myself for that. I can’t even get mad at my little brother for messing up my homework, without crying because he got sad. How can I not hate myself for making him cry? And you know what Devin, I met this guy because I was crying during rehearsal over the fact that you said you were going to kill yourself. I cried for the entire rehearsal because I was scared of losing YOU. I never told him, but I told my best friend Mia, she said to tell your parents. But why haven’t I? Because I am scared you wont want to be my friend anymore. Now you never want to talk to me again, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. And now, I went back to an eating disorder, something I have never told anyone. Not even the people in the hospital, who had worse problems. I started binge and purge again. You deserve better than me. Im crap. I am a fucked up dumb ass who doesn’t deserve someone like you!! DON’T YOU GET IT? IM TOO FUCKED UP, TOO BROKEN, TOO HURT. I started crying in the counselor’s office, I ended up telling her, (Don’t worry, there’s doctor patient confidentiality.) And like Mia, she said to tell your parents. so I guess that’s my only other option other than letting him go to die. So now you probably hate me forever, because I have told those two people. I want to tell your parents, or your sister, then maybe you will survive. Get help, like i’ve been asking you to. But I’m scarred. Scared of losing my best friend… I guess in a way, I have already lost you, and you already hate me forever…

I don’t get it. Why do I keep chasing things I have already lost?
I guess I should leave you alone now… Im so sorry.