Bottled Up

For the past two years, my family has struggled with my mom’s addiction towards alcohol. A year ago, she was told that she wasn’t going to be allowed in our house anymore unless she got help. And she did shortly after. But after awhile, it started again. The drinking, the yelling, the pain, everything. We all knew, my dad, my sister, and I. She, of course, denied it.

About ten days ago, she was served divorce papers from my father. I was on his side, due to the fact that I was hurt, embarrassed, terrorized. She hadn’t realized all the pain she’s caused me for the past two years. I’ve always be kind of the quiet one, in the sense of not sharing my feelings. I was also scared to show them. Therefore, I’ve bottled up everything, usually resulting in taking out some of my anger towards the wrong people.

My aunt tells me I should talk to someone like my dad or my mom. There’s no way in hell I could talk to either one of them. At first I thought she was referencing towards a therapist, which I would’ve been okay with talking to, but then she mentioned that I need to express my feelings, my hurt, my anger, all towards my mother. I’m nowhere near ready to talk to her, and now I’m supposed to see her tomorrow.

This is why I cut, this is why I overdose. Because I can’t take it anymore. But oh well, I’ll just keep it bottled up for a little longer. Who knows, maybe I’ll be ready to talk to someone.