Ok so hey evyrbody what’s up?
So sorry i haven’t posted in almost 2 years and in some ways i am glad i ‘am still here.For the record i’ve tryed to kill myself several times so far in my life and i am still here so yea you can make in through some depressing times but< i don’t want anybody to try it as many times as i have so far but propley won’t try again……..we’ll mabe for a long time.i still think about it 24.7 but do what i can to advoid thouses thoughts.
I’am 21 now.so yes i drink now and go to bars.my 21st b day i got drunk for the 1st time ever.It was almost the same as being stoned ‘cept without the high happy feeling.(I got a 215 for my sleeping issuess i got from late shifts and my depression and i’ve never been so happy eventhough i’am now a ‘pot-head” thought i smoke about once or twice a week.)You know that feeling where your half way awake and asleep and feel like your dreaming yet your wide awake? yea…
So anyways here’s my recent news and i guess i’am becoming “better’ or less “suicidal”.There was a girl i meet in high school who i had a huge crush on and coulden’t stop dreaming of spending time with.It still hurts me sooooooooo much that i haven’t told her and I still love her to death but here’s the catch……as long as I’ve had feelings for her she’s always had a boyfriend.I never interfere with a already on going relashionship….that’s not me…. she reapered in my life on october 27th 2011 almost last year and so far the only person who remembers me from high school. (:Â we accully hung out here and there and went to the bar a few times with some friends and co-workers.Nonthing bad ever happend.we always had a desanated driver,(i don’t drive yet),and we never got “stupid” as some people put it when you drink,seen a few movies together,and she always bought me dinner even though I always had cash to buy and felt that as the guy not paying that i was somehow being disrespectful and relaient to her to pay.Yet she always said it was alright with her.So far we seen”Project x”(wich i extreamily disaprove of due to the nudity and underage activities) and “The hunger games” (wasen’t so bad and like the creativity dispite the fact that i diden’t know there was a book before the movie wich like “the avengers” i like to read the comices and book before i see the film)
Then on April 23rd…tragicty struck me like a arow killing a deer before the first pillagruamage.She told me she was pregiount.I was the 1st person she told before her boyfriend knew and was devisated.Still in many ways………i am trying to acept it………………..it’s so fucking hard for for me to ‘act ‘ like i’am happy for her and her boyfriend becouse i felt these feelings for her for almost seven years and never told her……but plan on doing so soon before he leaves or after he leave’s to the marienes and were alone………….so means sooooo much to me and i’ve been secretly crying over it and seen the rise on my personal hell incressce over it….wiskey.Jack danelle’s mostly.
Me and ol’Jack had a hell of a night one evning wile eveybody went to sleep and i coulden’t stop thinking about her.I remember i started off angery at myself and hating myself for never saying anything and over half a middle sized bottle later was in a furry of self-hate and sorrow. I WANTED TO DIE THAT NITE.I remember thinking”Pleases god kill me” over and over again”just let me die’….then somthing eles entirely………..
On decomber 12th 2010, my neighbor,whom i promissed to hangout with and was my “twinkie buddie”shot her-self with a gun and died.Aperently,her boyfriend coulden’t see her due to the bad weather and(i found out last year) was cheating on her and she(wile on the phone) wanted hime to her “hear this” and shot herself……
The next year……my grandma died on a stroke.Wich bothers me to this day becouse before she died i spent the last 2 weeks of her life getting to kow her and spent time withe her becous one night i woke up thinking “somday she’ll be gone”. How right i was.She told me about her childhood and what her life was like growing up,and how she hated it when she would milk a certion cow and right when she finisher the cow would perpousioly knock the bucket over.The “wagion weel” days you see on little house on the praire was her teeangehood and then she meet my grandpa when she attend high school…She passed away last year on December 12 last year and in many ways I wish I could ‘ve spet more time with her and cry occiosionally thinking about her becouse she was the only real grandparent i ever took thie time out on my worthless life to get to know.
Now to return to the girl i ‘am opessed with.The girl I love more than any person I ever meet.The date….Her birthday…..December 12.Icconicly,the same day shes due to have her kid.How sooooooooooo ironic.   12/12/12.The “End of the world”
Me and “O’l jack ies ‘ds” haven’t meet since then but i still know in my heart,mind,soul,and every atom in my rotting living courpose i still love her soooooooooo much and i can’t stop crying at night somtimes becouse i can’t protect her or be with her and in some way i think she might feel the same way.I don’k know what to do anymore and love her so much and she dosen’t know and it would kill me to sit back and watch her eather be hurt or mistreated or raise a kid alone yet at the same time i can’t let her go.I can’t forget about her.No matter what i do……I still have breakdowns ramdomally alone about it.I tryed meeting outher girls and tryed to hang with them.i figured playing guitar and that zombified like feeling i get when i play video games like a “video junkie'(kurt cobain being my newest and top fav Idol) but it just dosen’t seem to work.
So if anybody has any advise I would galdly apreashate it.Thanks…..I wish i could help you all out in someway or in anyway somday.(Lission to breaking benjamin ‘s Dear Agony(song) and drinking my 4th vodka and moution dew code red and voltage(mixed together) as i’am starting to cry and i wish there was a way to post the tears that won’t t stop running down my cheaks soaking the keys on the keybord as i try to type as proff) Living life in a relm of broken and soaked misery…