Random Reminiscing , cos’ I let mom read the instructions..
(just like the bubble gum components being molded by our mouth, exchanging places to nowhere )
My clothes, school books, mags, and other toys for big men were designated to be inherited by my close relatives. I really thought she would be happy when she realizes my breathing identity is about to disappear from this lively planet, instead she scolded me, saying I had to help my brothers raise their family. So I wondered again, Am I really just the one selfish? or does it just runs in the family? Nah, we were programmed both from our conception and thru our education (parental, formal, and peers) to help one another, and protect the human race. A tool, I felt like a tool, but I didnt really mind being used -I mean what’s so wrong about it? We used their cash, we use different people’s time, effort, knowledge, and wisdom (This is the internet, did you make it? no one did, but we did, right?).
Is it not that family/ kinship is the 2nd unit for totality of our kind? I know it should would practically make sense that it is our main instinct.. To gain conviction and its vehicles to a meaningful life. Where hope and lost come as pairs to exist. It just doesn’t cut, no matter how much reading , watching, talking, and listening I do.. I wake up every week, if not every day to see a morning made of darkness nothing. By now, I sound like have no principles, pride, or faith in any kind.. well guess what, you’re right! (I’m actually talking to myself, knowing this would be published, am I now a hystrionic or Narcissist?) I have so much questions.. There were plenty of answers.. very, very plenty. But this memory of mine seems it has reached its limit. I don’t remember things well anymore.. I even forget simple things, distracted by the unmoving light and shadows. I failed, one after another. Again and again. I should be improving, I thought I did.. I really did, till self-disappointment slapped myself completely. Of course, everybody cared – I’m not being sarcastic, people do care, they just naturally prioritized themselves, don’t you? you prioritized what you know, what you think, you know what is right and wrong.. even when everyone thinks differently.. so nothing new? I ask myself, am I bored, or am I boring. Gaah! So which one deserves to live? (still talking to myself, don’t ask me why you’re reading this, just tell me why or whatever – Being curious is a pain, its one of those silly things that keeps me alive).
At this point, my S-thoughts disappear like a bubble.. guess it’s time to stick this gum somewhere in this site. Hope you don’t to touch it, that would be gross. FYI I dislike using metaphors, cos’ I can’t help to do so..
So stressed tonight – for I have typed more than a thousand words, and I still can’t speak English right? how’d I know you say? I don’t, I’m just repeating criticisms that point out my weaknesses to strengthen. Oh well, I’ll just have to keep on trying and trying till I die. I did say this was epic fail right?
..see.
“To down myself, was to humble myself, for my head flew so high, my feet could reach land no more
..and I drowned anyways” – Cage of the Cold (this is not a book, just an imaginary one when I daydream)