I just woke up a few minutes ago. I was just resting my head on my pillow when that feeling hit. Boom. How do I know I actually exist? Why do I feel like I’ve seriously been here before. It keeps nagging me in the back of my brain. It wake me up abruptly from a night of rest or just before. I hate how it does that. Stop bothering me with these thoughts. That and my memories. I understand they happened. I understand one day I will die. STOP REMINDING ME. That’s all my brain does it just reminds me like I don’t already know. Like a mother who nags you about doing chores you actually just finished. Or like the pain in injured joints stirred up in the winter time bite that icy bite. I know I’ve got injuries you don’t need to give me pain just to remember.
This damn brain is nothing but a filing cabinet. Dates times, colours, scents, sounds, taste touch it rememebers every fucking thing. I get it. I understand stop remeinding me.
That backwards pull in my body as I toss and turn trying to go to sleep. You don’t believe this is real do you? I mean poof you appear. You see hear think feel and learn. You went to school and you learned history. History proves there were people before you. Does it? Does it really? Because I’ve been feeling like nothing I say or do or anything is real. I’m just walking in a nightmare. No matter who I chat with or cry with or listen to or play with at the end of the day. It feels unreal. So unreal like I’m in a huge playpen with dolls. I’m manipulated from place to place thought to thought and occasionally I run into kens, barbies and other unique toys. That’s what things are feel like. Toys. Fake everything’s fake.
It drives me insane. This brain won’t leave me the hell alone and be quiet. Just rest and be quiet. Why won’t it enjoy things like I enjoy it. Anaylzing, questioning, debating, dismissing, worrying, calculating. IT never rests. it never rests. Just hush and stop making me remember all the bad. Just stop it. Just shut up. I need to rest now or try. I dunno I need more movies to play on repeat. Something to distract my loud brain. Something so I can rest.