I don’t know if I can go on anymore

Hi my name Is Emily and I’m 15 years old. I was diagnosed with depression about 7 months ago. My life hasn’t been the same since. I was dealing with my sexuality, paranoia, anxiety, OCD, school,anger problems and cutting. This all led to my horrible depression. I was hospitalized around Christmas time because of a strangling attempt. I spent Christmas and New Years Eve in the hospital where I stayed for 18 days. Afterwards I started going to an outpatient day program for kids and teenagers with emotional problem called the CDU which stood for Children’s Day Unit. There i met many good friends especially one. Her name was Amanda. I still love her till this day. From the first sight I thought she was so beautiful with her red hair. I had a little crush on her but she told my friend that she was straight and had a boyfriend. So I didn’t even try.Until one day. During a truth or dare game she was dared to kiss me and so she did. Later that day we were alone, we held hands and kissed again. It was the  last day before spring break started so I wasn’t gonna see her for about two weeks. We spoke on Facebook and I told her about my feeling for her. She agreed to having the same feelings for me. She broke up with her boyfriend. We weren’t a couple but we acted like one. I wanted to be with her but she said she was too stressed to handle a relationship. She told her parents about me which made her parents furious. I felt horrible. She still continued to be close to me no matter what her parents thought. About a month later she was really depressed and so was sent to be hospitalized. She was gone for 22 days. When she came back to the program, her depression seemed worse. She was refusing to kiss me. She lasted 3 days in the CDU before returning back to another hospital for 8 days. She was than not allowed to come back to the CDU and I wouldn’t see her because I live in New York and she lives in New Jersey. I cried so much when she told me over Facebook. I was going to kill myself. I told myself I couldn’t live without her. She decided to call my therapist who called my parents. I was than hospitalized for 12 days. In the hospital I spoke to her through the phone and got horrible news that we were forbidden from seeing eachother by our therapists and her parents. We both cried on the phone. I was sure to die. After my 12 days in the hospital, I returned to the same hospital 3 days later after I attempted to strangle myself and I drank bleach. I was there for 7 days this time. When returning home I spoke to her through Facebook but she wouldn’t respond. I finally messaged her saying : “I know you’ve moved on but I just want you to know that I will never forget you”. She finally responded. She said that she loved me. She asked for my address so she can send me something in the mail. So I gave it to her. Now i’m waiting for it. Thank one horrible night i got a message from her mother who said all contact from us was to be broken. She even blocked her from me on Facebook. Now I have no contact with her. I love her so much but I can’t deal with not talking to her or seeing her. I need her in my life or i’ll die. Today I feel really suicidal and I do not know what to do. I’m still wondering if she even cares anymore…