I Gotta Let Everything Out

This is long and scattered and weird, but if I don’t let everything out on here I’m gonna let it out on my skin, so… read, or don’t..

Starting in January this year, things have been getting easier. Near the end of school and beginning of summer break, life was great. Better than it’s been in years. Always hanging with my girlfriend, we stopped fighting ever… i was sometimes depressed but always ok! It was great, it was… unbelievable.

When I realized how unbelievably easier my life had been to tolorate recently, I started to think of the future. Things can’t be this easy forever. Eventually I’m gonna have hard shit and big changes to deal with.

School starts next month.  I might be moving early next year because my parents may not be able to afford our house. My parents get closer to splitting up every day, and the worst part is they couldn’t if they wanted to, because we couldn’t fucking afford it. My parents are getting rid of our cable and telling me to use my laptop and netflix to get all my tv (not exactly tragic, but really irritating).

Now my girlfriend and I are getting more depressed again. We never have the energy to do even the simple things…. We always feel like we’re gonna pass out too. She does sometimes, I never have. The last time I felt like I was gonna, I tried to make myself… I wanted a break from consciousness and dealing with shit, even if only for a few seconds…. It didn’t work 🙁

Our wills to live have always been low, but… i dunno, these past few months I’ve been used to not thinking about suicide CONSTANTLY…. not cutting or thinking about cutting constantly……. It’s coming back now, and I don’t wanna slip back into that hole.

I crawled out of that hole, I won fair and square.

Thinking about it though, I crawled out of it when school was ending. Now Im falling back in as it draws closer. Fucking. Shit. I hate school I hate people (and people hate me back very passionately) I hate trying I hate waking up in the morning I hate the assignments the responsibility the grading the tests the thinking the EVERYTHING.

Fucking kill me. I’d kill myself if I knew it would work. I’ve tried once before, and failed, and if I try again it HAS to work or else my parents will put me on suicide watch til Im old enough to die naturally.

The things keeping me going right now are

-my girlfriend (Katie baby, I love you so much and I always will, you are my will to go on. Please reply to my texts, I wanna be sure youre ok…..)

-my 2 cats (Karma and Kismet <3<3) and my 3 dogs (Jude, Lucy, and Alice <3<3<3)

-and my music. I went to warped tour, Pierce The Veil came out with a new album, I got into Sleeping With Sirens and Slipknot, and Black Veil Brides and Escape the fate both have a new album coming out soon, and I bought gloves from the old singer of Get Scared….

If you cared enough to read that, thanks, your time and concern means more than you know… I hope youre in a better mood than I am, and if  you’re not, *hugs you tight* i hope you reach peace some way or another, i love you………………………………(now i gotta go make soup)