I’m tired. That’s all, just tired – of everything. I’ve carried a diagnosis of depression for a long time, but I’ve always managed to keep going in spite of it. Not anymore. I’m just too tired. I don’t think many people understand what it means to be tired like this - it isn’t the ‘I need to take a nap or get a good night’s sleep’ kind of tired – no, this is a bone-deep, soul-weary, insidious form of torment, an uncertain affliction of indeterminate etiology and obfuscate symptomatology; a weariness that persists and will not abate.
I want it over. I don’t want ‘help’, I’ve been down that road too many times to believe that there is any real help out there – there’s not. Period. Expensive drugs that do not work and even more expensive therapy whose efficacy is suspect at best is not the answer; both have been tried and found wanting. The only result of these forays in the pursuit of assistance is a stigmatizing diagnosis and a serious depletion of available monetary resources. Thanks, but no thanks - I’ll pass.
I have a decision to make, but I’m not even sure just what that decision entails. It seems harder to think now, compared to just a few years ago. Those around me are beginning to notice this as well. I am failing. My mask is slipping, and I am revealing myself in little ways. I believe I am approaching the point of inevitability, the unsustainable nature of my existence becoming obvious, and I truly fear the consequences. Yet I do not welcome interference. Whatever happens, good, bad, or indifferent, happens. I need to be that free, at least.
Please understand, this is not a plea for sympathy or a ‘woe is me’ kind of post, I am not interested in such things. Simply put, for reasons that I cannot completely comprehend, I found the need to compose my thoughts and place them in a public forum - perhaps so that I can view them in a more dispassionate manner? I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter.
I’m tired.
2 comments
Ditto, ………… I relate.
It is important to make a decision about what you want to do…there is no right or wrong and if you get caught up in that you won’t make a decision and move forward. Make a decision about how you want to feel. In dying there is relief and release, many make that choice from a positive place as it is a positive experience so even now as you feel tired. Make a choice, and you don’t need a reason. Good luck!