So here’s my story:
I fell deeply in love with an incredible, sweet, funny, and very tech smart man… but he was also very depressed and had been for years before I even met him. We were very serious and planned to get married.
Then he killed himself.
He had talked about suicide before and I had tried very hard to help him. I had no idea he was about to swallow a whole bottle of pail killers..
after that I was an emotional train wreck and even tried to kill myself once, but I woke up in a hospital and was sent to a mental facility for a few days instead. I then convinced everyone I wasn’t suicidal and went home.
With a little time, I no longer wanted to die but do the most with my life and be happy. I tried and I still do try, thing is is that I was still feeling emotions at that point. I feel no emotions whatsoever anymore. I’m not happy, nor sad, nor angry, nor… anything. I am also having to force suicide out of my mind. What does that mean?
7 comments
It means you know you still want to live and there’s gotta happiness somewhere out there right? It’s an amazing thing that you’re still trying. Your story touched me and it’s admiring. Don’t give up. Stay strong.
Only I don’t want to live, I just live. I don’t want another suicide attempt on my record, so if I failed again I’d be screwed. If I have another attempt ill have to go back to the mental facility where I will truly be suicidal again. I know that suicide hurts the people that don’t die, I felt it. I watched unexpected yet linked situations take place. I don’t want to take anyone else’s emotions away or create a chain that could continue after me. The people lucky enough to have emotions should be happy. I feel like I’m alive with no purpose, alone, and lately, due to my lack of feelings, socially awkward, which is the opposite of what I used to be… miss the old me… the one who was engaged and happy and naive to the feeling of grief…
Obviously what happened to you is a large trauma. The blunting of your emotions is a coping mechanism that has gone too far. You are detaching from the world and your brain/heart doesn’t want to feel emotions anymore because it doesn’t want to get hurt again. If you disconnect from everything and don’t have any emotions, nothing can get to you. But as you know that is far from an ideal situation, you may avoid getting hurt again but you feel empty and strange and feel like you are just viewing life on a movie screen instead of being part of it. You should really try to get some counseling. You are not weak or abnormal, to feel the happiness of falling in love and setting up a future and being engaged, and then to have that person choose to leave you behind on this planet, that would be extremely damaging to anyone it happened to. There may be things under the surface that you are trying to avoid, there may be a large sense of anger you feel towards this person for leaving, or guilt that you weren’t able to stop him, or any number of other things. I’m the last person in the world to preach about therapy, people told me to try it for years and I always refused and thought it was stupid. I finally gave in after the end of a relationship that had me really messed up, and honestly did talking to someone change my entire life or make things ten times easier? No. And then my insurance policy changed so I couldn’t afford to keep going anyway. But you are struggling with what happened to you and you don’t want to go through the rest of your life not feeling anything, and you don’t need to kill yourself either. Seek help. You don’t necessarily need medication or any intense type of treatment, you just need someone to talk to in order to process what happened to you. You can’t do it on your own because of the way your own body is refusing to feel emotions right now. You need someone else to guide you.
The “dead” feeling is VERY relatable to me.
First, are you on meds? If not – you need to be. That is not critism, it is simply you have a chemical imbalance going on. I know this because I am in that same boat. The meds DO help if you give them time. And do NOT miss a dose cuz that messes with you.
PLEASE hang in there. And if you wanna talk. I am here.
gbguy1970 at yahoo
I know this is a bajillion times easier said than done,
but has enough time passed, that you can let go of the past?
Once you’re able to say goodbye to yesterday, it may open new doors.
A new future.
Keep in mind, I’m being a fucking hypocrite right now.
However, when I do work up the strength to let a small piece of whatever go, I feel like a small weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I’m a rambling.
I’m going to stop now.
I’m not on meds but I’ve wondered if they’d be helpful. I think I’ll talk to a counselor about taking them. There’s no harm in trying, even if it doesn’t work… its been a little over three months since my fiance died… I can’t let go…
An ex once told me “you never fall out of love, you just learn to live without the other person.”
For some reason I found solace in that.
If you’re willing to give it time, letting go may become an option.