Late last year I decided I was going to try get help for my issues. I started taking prescribed medication and I gained the courage to go see a psychiatrist again. In the past, I have had the type of psychiatrist that blamed me for everything and the type that just tried to fill me up with drugs. But this time I got one that actually helped. Sure we played video games a lot rather than just plain talking, but he never once tried to push me into anything I didn’t want to do or blamed me. I really started to feel better and even […]
July 2012
i think the title says it all:/
I’ve been a kind of a fixture on SP for several months – some know me – others have never seen me. Some like me, some respect me, others hate me and think I’m full of crap and retarded.
I care about everyone – and I try to be positive and upbeat – strong for those who don’t feel they can take another step. I don’t “want” any of us to be here but that just isn’t realistic. and for many of us, ‘here” is a small piece of flotsam in and angry sea that will eventually but surely take us all … preferably when we’re old and grey … […]
And so the story goes:
Psychiatrist: “so what do you have at home to help you cope”
Me: “i have my music”
P: “explain”
M: “i play music. i play the piano, the guitar, the bass, the dru-”
P: “yea yea yea and what happens if you cant do that anymore?”
M: “umm excuse me?”
P: “if you couldnt play music anymore. how would you cope?”
M: “i wouldnt”
P: “what?”
M: “i would slit my throat and die. because without music, my life is meaningless”
P: “that’s a pretty weak support system if you ask me. something so tangible and fragile as music. i mean, what happens when you get older and your dream of […]
As someone who’s survived 3 serious attempts I wish to say that I have no intention of making it through number four. I’ve finally arrived at the conclusion that I’m statistically supposed to be dead by now and it’s not something which makes me feel better. I’ve seen so much pain on my short tour here on Earth. Humanity does little to stoke my optimism, in fact it does the opposite. I’m a vet, I’m mentally unstable, I’m single, I’m unemployed for the fourth year running and I’m almost homeless (I already was for 3 years.) A close friend who I met while being homeless committed suicide via alcohol and prescription […]
Yougettingtoknow@yahoo.com
I had a revelation today.
Wait, can you only call it a revelation if it has to do with religion, because I think after my last incident with a priest I won’t be having any revelations anytime soon. Oh well, point is I had a “light bulb” moment, and not really a bright one.
Pun not intended.
Let me take you back to my formative elementary school years: Here’s Violet Blake. She likes to wear foofy dresses with flowers on them and ribbons in her hair. Violet thought she was going to have so many friends, turns out, she was wrong. WAY WRONG. Instead of having a happy […]
I wish my awareness would dullen some or just disappear. I always walk by a mirror and look myself in the eyes and i can see and feel the sadness. I can see the tears that make up my brown eyes. My hands are calloused and aged. My heart aches and struggles again. My chest wants to break free of the tight bands of muscles surrounding it. My feet tired of walking on the earth.
Oh the feet enjoy the warm from hot asphalt and cold wet blades of grass. Just like my tongue it enjoys the bitter taste of chocolate or the burn of […]
Today was a fuck! I hated it. I give all, for making my parents happy, specially for my father. I want to give him everything perfect. Nevertheless the more I try, the worse it is. I’m about to finish with this damm life. I hate everything around me. Â I’m feeling more and more alone. The Day I finish with everything I’m sure they’ll just have to remember all this days to realize why I’m doing this. I just want to finish everything
ok second good day in a row. XD lovin it. but there is always something to effect me.
highs: 1) bf is making huge effort in talkin to me and all the sweet things r back (lets c how long it lasts)
2) parents r acting a little nicer
3) sister isnt punching me as much
4) im able to sleep more
5) im mainly smiling til a flashback hits me but i do my best to deal with it
lows: 1) dad still causes arguement; but makes it shorter
2) mom is still a bit strict
3) sister wont leave me alone
4) my […]
I almost did it today, almost. If it wasn’t for one of my classmates who called me, just seconds before I did it, asking about homework.
I need to talk.. Is there anyone there, feeling like me? I need to talk.
Is wolfenstein666 dead im just kind of wondering
All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall;
Some hand in hand,
Some gathered together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and the artists
Make their stand;
And when they’ve given you their all, some stagger and fall
After all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.
– Roger Waters, The Wall
I try to remember it’s not their fault I feel bad. I shouldn’t shut out the people I love. It’s really hard to not want to hide behind the wall. But I need to be better.
No! I am not a lycanthrope!
Now that that is out of the way…
Here is an example of the source of all my problems, as well as the source of happiness in my life. You’ll probably be confused by that statement, but if you lived with it for a while, you’d understand.
So today I went out back to water my rows of tobacco plants. I did that methodically, one at a time, from left to right. I checked on the progress of my seedlings, watered those, then I took a walk around the yard and inspected the other individual plants growing there; I looked at the […]
Why do siblings always know exactly where to peirce you with a knife to make it hurt so bad that you just want to crumble into a million pieces and just break down and fall and cry forever. They can always make sure you are always either happy or sad. One jab of that stupid knife of theirs and youre down for the count.
I hate feeling left out and hate when people make me feel small and my sisters know that. I just went into my sisters room real quick to tell her something and she told me to get out. (not a good […]
Heyy guys i really need some help with a few things and just help with what i can do to stop and all , so can someone email me please:'(X
I know people will hate me and there is no way out my situation – this is why I can’t see a therapist. I have a “girlfriend”, who was once a fiance. We had a child together and then she immediately got fat – I don’t mean a few pounds, but nearly 200. She also stopped bathing (except once per week), smokes constantly (even though she has high blood pressure). She is absolutely revolting to me. I feel so absolutely ashamed when I am in public with her – I walk a couple feet behind her, etc. I can’t have friends – because of this. […]
im going to see blink 182 on wednesday, a friend gave me a lastminute ticket, i feel alive around music, live music, and i just love it all, even the big crowds of people, which usually make me nervous and feel even more alon but music id the perfect way to communicate properly and people dont liein songs, im looking forward to it:) everyone needs to find something no matter how trivial that they can look forward to
A week or two ago I posted here as I was slowly getting overwhelmed with depression. I was ready 2 days ago with a solid plan, rope in my backpack and everything thought through, except for the poor tree that has to be stuck with my lifeless body swaying in the cold wind. But that was easy task to accomplish as there was many trees on my journey. Quite beautiful ones. It would have been a shameful sight for the tree if I would have went through with it.
My problem, which said before, was many and one big on that kept hitting my mind repeatedly […]
I miss you.