sertraline- i stopped taking it for 3 days and i was very quickly back to how i felt during my worst. i thought i had made more progress but i now realise while some progress has been made, not as much as id like. i realise sertraline drains me of any emotion, so i dont feel as suicidal or unhappy but i dont feel happy or anything, just numb. like on the weekend i was at the beach with my neices and nephews-i didnt feel anything. i dont feel love for my closest friends, which at one time i did, and its because i dont feel, occasionally i do but in general i dont. it feels like me supposedly being “much better” is all artificial bull. also anything i do feel in the way of good things is very vague, its like the feeling is only just there. and i dont feel much deep saddness just a numb bordom, the heavy “here we go again” feeling when i wake up.
the rest i will explain through song lyrics:
“today i made the worst mistake,i put my trust into someone i dont know” i keep doing this-wheather it be people i thought i knew and then they stab me in the back or people who i honestly dont know, it never ends well.but i dont learn
Speak, I don’t get it.
Should I ignore the fashion or go by the book?
I don’t want it,
I just want your eyes fixated on me.-Â do i go my own way? do i listen to your advice even when i dont want it? i dont want the world, i want my world. i want attention, the selfish kind.i dont nkow, i dont care-but do i?
“take your time,hurry up, the choice is yours,dont be late” kurt explained once that this song was about the condtradictions inside someone, that most of us have. im seing my contradictions clearly lately, i hate it. i say horrible things about people then i defend them and search for reasons to make them seem good. i hate people in general, more bored of them, but i want to be around people. i want everyone to hate me and not care but i want them to care even more.
“so take this and run far away from me, i am tainted, the two of us were never meant to be” i feel tainted, people just need to run from me, i ruin things, i ruin them, they will get sick and they will get frustrated. but i dont agree with it not meant to be,nothing ever is “meant” to be, we make it be. but sometimes is doeasnt work out.
“rape me, im not the only one” not the sexual rape, the invasion of privacy rape. just invade my head again and mess it up, think itsyour right to no and dont appreciate me telling you and them leave me. i dont want that but thats what happens. im not the only one this is happeneing to, go find someone else, you will but i want you to leave me alone to.
this is all i can wriite for now. might do some more song lyricy explainy things, helps me order my thoughts more.