I feel a little left out sometimes when i talk to my friends about family.
I hardly see my dad and when i do it’s awkward. I constantly fight with my mum and two brothers. I am not close with any of them and the moment i can, i am moving out and hopefully never looking back. But i won’t burn my bridges just yet.
All my friends come from homes of two parents where they are close with at least one or all of their family. I sorta wish i had that, it would make life so much easier.
I’m not saying their lives are a breeze but having support from your family is so fundamental in development.
It’s hard to express this to them, they don’t really understand why i want to cut most of my ties to my family and how i talk about them. They don’t really get it and most times tell me to “give them a chance”.
Why put effort in when no one else is?
I am often called harsh and told that “Family will always love you no matter what and will always be there for you”.
I just don’t think this applies to EVERY circumstance. I know my mum would help me out if i needed money but emotionally neither her or my dad are there to help.
My family don’t want to see me upset or troubled but at the same time i think there is more a family should do then just care if someone is having a bad time.
I hope you guys know what i mean, and if anyone else feels the same or could empathise that would be great.
Thanks guys.
7 comments
I couldn’t imagine how hard that would be. Having someone close to be there through thick and thin, and who would love you no matter what you say or did, helps a LOT.
But it doesn’t have to be family.
I hope you find someone to trust and to help you,a nd give you the support you need!
I know how you feel. If my problems could be solved with money, I’d be great.
My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4 and my older brother and I stayed with
My mother. I always felt like the black sheep, third wheel… Unwanted guest.
My mother is completely uninterested in my life and has never encouraged me
In any way. My father is supportive but extremely awkward about it at the same time.
I could have 10 people tell me I did something good or compliment me somehow and
It doesnt matter because my own mother never said it.
You’re not alone.
I think I know where you are coming from. My shitiohation is a lot similar to yours. Me and my mother constantly argue about anything and everything and the more I tell myself I am not going to get sucked in to it, the more she keeps on pushing me for a reaction until I snap. I am usually a very calm person but somehow she just gets to me and don’t even get me stated about my brother. Don’t get me wrong at parties he is pretty cool and funny as hell but as soon as he is in front of my mother he changes into a compleat mammas boy that will stab you in the back in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I which she could se him for what he truly is and stop looking for any and every reason to start a argument with me!!!!! I feel like the lonely time she is not trying to start a fite is when she can see I’m very depressed. But that never lasts long. My mother and brother shows love throw money and gifts will me and my father showed love throw kind deeds an telling each other that we appreciate one and other. But know my father is dead and I am alone in this world but not for long hahaha;)
Hi Solace. I think I hear where you’re coming from. You don’t I think mention if you are male or female, but that may be unimportant here.
First let me agree with you that these platitudes about ‘family is there for you when nobody else is’ are NOT universally true, far from it. My own partner is a witness to that. He has recently cut ALL ties with his close family, because he was just sick of being the target of their abuse basically. He basically feels like an orphan now, but he’s coping well with it. The truth is he always WAS an orphan emotionally. His Mum and stepdad were not there for him emotionally at all, and he was seriously physically abused by the stepdad from the age of 8 onward.
People generally may not ‘get’ this unless they have come across it or experienced it for themselves.
Neither of my parents has been very supportive over my mental health issues. I’ve had severe bipolar disorder for many years. My Mum was in denial that I had a mental illness, and my Dad couldn’t even grasp my diagnosis but thought I was ‘schizophrenic’. He tried to make out that i’d brought it on myself because I used marijuana a few times. Not true, because I became clinically depressed before I ever even tried marijuana. He was an idiot anyway. He wouldn’t know how to support a depressed person to save his life, and he also sexually abused me on at least two occasions when I was 9 years old. But guilty people like to deny and shift the blame if they can.
Iwanted to support you Solace, instead I’ve immediately started sharing my stuff. But I hope you can see that you are not alone in what you are experiencing re your family, and you are absolutely right, not all families ‘do what it says on the tin’. That is, they are NOT all supportive, loving, devoted, loyal, reliable, or anything else really. Families are nothing but a collection of individuals at the end of the day. And individuals fail in all kinds of ways, are full of faults and flaws and make disastrous mistakes.
Hope I haven’t made you feel worse though. I’m glad you call yourself solace and that you are moving out. Best thing you can do under the circumstances, but as you say, best not to ‘burn your bridges’ just yet.
Wish you the best Solace. Zoe X
I feel like I just wrote that. I am going through the exact same thing. You literally just took the words right out of my mouth. My father is always gone and my mother and two brothers would rather have family dinner or go family bowling without me. My friends always say that i am exaggerating or not trying hard enough. I often get told I am running from my problems, but they don’t understand because they have family that would do anything for them. I have gotten to the point today to where I have plans to move out of my house next week, and I am only 16.
Thank you all.
You’ll never realise how your anecdotal stories have helped me regain perspective.
I was beginning to feel like my family situation was my fault, when really we are just individuals and in the end. We’re not compatible.
@Chubbypanda13. I think you are so strong to move out at such a young age. I wanted to move out about the same age but i was too scared and having no support from family or friends pushed the thought into the back of my head.
@Zoe. I am truly sorry to hear about you and your boyfriends abuse. Your life is going to be a tough one but the way you have written to me, it seems like you are a very strong individual that is obviously responsible and yet still empathetic. In my experience i have found that people who have had a tough life become quite jaded and lose empathy toward others. At least that is what has happened to me. You’re truly amazing and Your post was amazing to read. Thank you so much for making a difference in the way i think. I really appreciate it. And i am a female 🙂
@redemption if you always fight with your mum have you considered moving out or discussing it with her? this is such a cliche and generic response but sometimes people don’t realise they are treating others badly until they are told. Good luck!
@bunbun. That is EXACTLY how i feel, like an ‘Unwanted guest’. I am fortunate to have someone special in my life that does support me. He is there for me like my family should be. But no matter how much you separate yourself i find myself still trying to impress my mum and do things for her just to gain her attention. It’s pathetic but i think that’s just what happens when you’ve always been forgotten. You either strive for their attention or hate them so much you can’t look at them.
@WeakAndWeary I have thankfully found someone that supports me, he is terrific. When i was in the lowest point in my life he was the one that listened to me and held me. And even yelled at me when i needed it.
If i didn’t have him in my life i would be dead. He has stopped me so many times whereas my mum and rest of the family pretend nothing is wrong, similar to ^Zoe’s situation. My mum knows i cut but has given me no support. Instead saying i do it for attention and that it is disgusting.
I hope you have someone in your life that supports you through thick and thin. You sound like you deserve it.
Thanks again guys. Your posts have made me remember that everyone’s situation is different and if you have never had troubles with your family not being there then you would never really understand how to empathise with others that are going through it.
– Solace
@solace: I think you’ll find that the more people you talk to, the more people you’ll meet with some sort of dysfunction in their family.
For instance: my father left my mother when I was 5. I understand why he did it; my mother’s mother was a complete psychopath and my mother was weak and needy. My sister is a complete ***** and has refused to grow up (she’s 43 going on 16). My mother had nowhere else to channel her frustrations so she took them out on me.
My best friend is more like family than any of my real family ever have been. His parents split when he was young, as his mother got sucked into the Jehovahs Witnesses. She moved in with a man that was physically, mentally and sexually abusive to my best friend and his siblings, yet his mother was in complete denial. My best friend now only keeps in close contact with one of his sisters, as those two were allies against the older sister, who was (and still is) domineering. He occasionally contacts other family members, but only when he is bored and has nothing better to do. He has no feelings for his mother, his father or his eldest sibling.
Then there’s my wife, and her problems with her mother and father. Then there’s my other best friend, who has problems with his dad. And so on …
The point I’m making is don’t compare your life to those of your friends. No doubt you will make new friends with very similar life stories, and you can share your experiences and try to work past them together.
All the best.