Courage.

I’m new here. I need a place to vent and maybe help others understand they aren’t alone.

It all started when I was 14. I don’t know why but my bi-polar came into full swing. I was already a confused lost teenager to begin with. I was shy, kind and pretty naive. I sought love thinking it would make me happy. I played football and I was good at it, thinking it would make me happy. I wasn’t super popular but a lot of people knew who I was. I thought being known around town and my school would make me happy. I dreamed of the day I turned 18 to move away from my adoptive parents. They hit me, beat me, spit on me, called me a ******, called me pathetic and ugly. I hated my life. I wanted to die. Gosh I wanted to end everything. Darkness, silence…peace. I held on but I dropped out my senior year. My parents kicked me out and I left that same day trekking as far as my money would take me.  I thought maybe being away from everyone would make me happy. I forgot that money rules the world and I was broke. I was homeless at 18, moved from shelter to shelter until I got on my feet again. I looked over the bridge not too far from the shelter and wished I had the courage to step over. My life has been reduced to this. I was ashamed, alone, depressed and broken. I was just a homeless bum, I have no place on this earth. I don’t know how I picked myself up but I did. I moved on, got a place of my own, job, car and a life. I was good for about a year. I’m 19, I’m doing well but I’m still not happy. My girlfriend leaves me for another guy. I break down again and buy a gun. I was serious this time, nobody will stop me from pulling the trigger. I couldn’t do it. I threw the gun into a lake and never looked back. I got over the heartbreak, it was my lack of purpose that hurt the most. To this day I’m still not happy. I struggle and fight to keep holding on. One day I know I’ll find the courage. They say only cowards end their lives, it takes more courage than anyone realizes. I hope I remain a coward.