even this post contradicts itself

my life… i pushed for what i wanted. i always got close. sooo close yet every time, it fell. my soul,  for anything and everything is gone. i really just want nothing. existence as a whole i just don’t want.  growing up with an abusive family. pushing away from them. finding home in a best friends family. loving it more than your own. growing and pushing yourself to get what you want. only not to get it. learning not to care so much about it.  always with the thought of finding someone for you on the way, someone to love. of course being in many relationships. to give up on them entirely. one day without realizing. she falls for you. tells you she loves you. hesitant you tell her you feel the same. she tells you to kiss her, you do.  reality hits you kissed your best friends younger sister and have fallen in love with her. feeling like you finally matter. head high. her mother. like your own. knowing your feelings for her daughter by pure intuition. who then confronts and encourages it.  tells you she even loves you. tells you she wants you to marry her daughter. when always wanting to be in their family, to echo in their generations.  wanting that and accepting that more than anything. to finally feel a fulfillment in life. a week later being told she doesn’t want a relationship. feeling sad you don’t worry too much, your not in too deep. 10 mins later she kisses you. what? to have actions like these go on for months. feeling stressed and confused you confront her. tells you she wants to be friends. her getting ahold of you. missing you. says very miss leading things. only to tell you your just friends once again. after a while of this. getting mad and telling her you aren’t friends. over time feeling she is just young. and you can’t hold things like this against her. to not give up and keep trying regardless.trying to fix it. now she hold its all against you. says its all your fault. you pushed her to far away. she wont even be your friend now. wont say anything to you even tho your doing what she said would make her happiest. getting older and everyone spreading out with their loved ones. in minimal contact with your friends, but most importantly her.  her never not on your mind. being undesired. their family acting like im no longer there. i’m not thought of. realizing your just nothing. trying some more. no reward. she wont even look at you. you try to apologize. her saying you wanted it this way. and just ignores you. not feeling sad that you lost her but more for just being not a matter of thought to them all now. not knowing why. trying to understand you finally just don’t care. about anything. fuck any and everyone. i can’t kill myself. having a best friend kill them self growing up. though you don’t matter now. you will once your dead. a realization will hit, for them that is. knowing how they will feel. you just want to hate them all for making you stuck in this place. for tieing you down to this existence you don’t care for. wishing you never met any of them. to be told live your life for you. knowing you have this entire time until recently when you fell in love. them not understanding that living my life for myself isnt want i wanted. now its all iv got. still nothing to them. no returned phone calls none trying to see you at all. still feeling complete love for this girl. even more so as i type. i don’t just love her because of her family. i love her for her. no one comes close to how beautiful she is. any and every girl i see or am around. come with the thought of how unappealing they are compared to her. i love her. i miss her. i want her to care for me. only her no one else.  and knowing she just doesn’t want me. i don’t want me. i just cant give a fuck anymore. i want these feelings to end i try hard to not think about them at all. drugs sometimes. but honestly they make me think more. all and all. i ask why was this done to me. what is the point of me coming into a life for this to happen. to be almost forced to stay here. because you care for others feelings more than your own. yet getting nothing for it. its all so pointless. and all ultimately leads to nothing. before all of this i was the most happy uncaring person in the world. i really was.  she says sorry im heartless. and to all of you. thanks, thanks for not really caring at all lol. cuz we all know no one reeeaalllly does. hahahaha burn in hell.