I try to keep going but it just gets worse and worse. I’m 31 years old and I’ve been alone for so very long. I’m the fattest, most hideous creature on the planet. Nobody will ever want me let alone love me. Girls can not be ugly if they have any hope of surviving in this society. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I am also incredibly stupid and people make it a point to tell me so just about every day and they’re absolutely right, I am. I can’t do anything right. My brain just doesn’t function like normal people. I have no talent or creativity at all. I am completely worthless. I am stuck in a shitty minimum wage job I hate where people treat me like shit all day long and I’ll probably be fired soon enough. I can’t afford to pay my bills as it is and losing that job would be the nail in the coffin. If I lose my car I’ll have no place to live when my family finally kicks me out. I feel so incredibly alone all the time and I hate myself and the world. I find myself staring down the same bottle of pills every day saying this will be the day I actually do it hoping when I do finally decide to stop being a coward and choke them all down they’ll do the job and I won’t wake up in some looney bin where I have to play nice and pretend to be happy before I have the chance to get out and try it again. Not that anyone would actually care enough to notice anyway. My body would probably just sit there until the smell started seeping through the door. I have absolutely no reason at all to live. The entire world would be better off if I wasn’t around wasting the space and air of relevant, good people who actually deserve to live. I have no value at all. All I do is waste space and people’s time. Besides, my mother could use the life insurance money she gets when I die. I am most definitely worth more dead than I ever will be alive. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t function anymore. I just wish I had the guts to finally go through with it.
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7 comments
Again……y are u so mean to yourself when u talk or think???
” I’m the fattest, most hideous creature on the planet.”
That’s a lie & I know it. And I don’t even know u.
Its funny……. Sometime we (ourselves) can me our own worst enemy. Outside people need not attack us since we are do such a good job putting ourselves down.
U are a beautiful person inside and out. U need to……..idk
i know i am my worst enemy… no one has ever hurt me more than myself… all i have to say is try to say something good about yourself every now and then… even if that thought doesn’t last it should be good enough to make you feel better for a minute.
@katiebear12 is right. Take some baby steps in the right direction
I wish there was anything good to say about myself but there is not. I have not one positive quality about me. I am completely worthless and I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror without hating what I see.
Everyone is beautiful. Hang in there! There are people who care about you and love you! Even though you don’t see it, people care. Stay tough and try to go back to school! It’s never too late! Call yourself beautiful. Carry around a squishy animal thing and squeeze it when you feel sad. Act and live young! You’re never too old! Best of wishes to a beautiful lady who deserves the best. <3
“Girls can not be ugly if they have any hope of surviving in this society” … who is to say that this society’s opinion has any merit? Ugliness is subjective. I suspect that if you posted a photo of yourself on here, you would get compliments. Not just lip service, but genuine compliments. I know that I, as a heterosexual male, do not find the conventional interpretation of ‘beauty’ to be attractive at all. In many cases, it’s either generic or just downright ugly.
Whilst society expects us to look and act in a certain way, there are just enough of us on the fringes to be able to form great friendships and relationships with one another.
I can relate to a number of other elements of your story. I’m in a job that I dislike, having fallen in employment status over the last 3 years. I feel i’m probably worth more to my loved ones dead than I am alive – my life insurance would give my wife and son an ample payout to move on with. I’ve struggled with my body image from time to time as well.
If you can, definitely consider going back and doing some further study to improve your prospects. I know the economy is a bit crap right now, but studying will help you in at least two ways: you will show employers you are willing to better yourself, and it will keep you occupied.
All the best.
You know what? Fuck society. This world is fucked up. I think, that the only thing that should matter is personality. Who gives a crap about looks? I sure don’t.