I didn’t realize how soon I’d be here with less light. That’s the way of it though, always has been. Perhaps I am a bit bipolar? Who knows? Who cares? Somehow this beautiful day has transformed. Somehow I managed to finally open the bottle of whiskey that’s been closed for months and crank up “Prayers for Rain” on repeat…for the last hour. It’s a great song, one of my favorites from The Cure. Some days though, some days it gets to me. Some days, like today it nudges the floodgates open. I’ve been writing for the last hour or so, I didn’t realize how much I’ve been how holding in. It’s so angry, so dark. I think I knew it was there, hiding under all those layers I’ve built up for myself. It needs to come out sometimes, I know this. I don’t think I’ll have the guts to end it for many years to come. For now, the only just punishment for my actions is to let this dark beast take over me wave after bloody wave.
…my actions…you don’t know…
I was with a man…who loved me…but I didn’t see it until I after I destroyed him. I broke him. I resented him and tore him to bits, blinded by this very same darkness. We were each other’s everything for seven years. We weren’t happy all the time, each suffered from occasional depression, each unsatisfied with our lives, but we had our moments. And they were great and wonderful moments. They are moments I will take with me to the grave…even though they are now tainted by this hideous thing I did. It’s been almost seven months since he found out and we decided to get a divorce. I’ve spent that time growing, changing for the better. I lost everything when I betrayed him: I lost him, a whole branch of family, respect from the remaining, the greatest friends, our pets (aka: kids), and I had a woman following me with murder on her mind. I was at the very bottom. Somehow I’ve blossomed into my own person, someone who is genuinely okay with everything. But he, he only lost me. Anything else he lost was by choice and he’s still so very angry. I’ve done everything I can to make this easier on him, fulfilled all of his requests. I guess the only thing I didn’t do was let him see how much it killed me. Somehow I think he’s only seen the better bits, and I think that’s making it so much worse for him. I don’t know though, we haven’t spoken in six months. We both set out to start living our separate lives, both said we wanted the other to be happy, said we’d only discuss the divorce on “business terms” via email. It sounded all right, right? So why am I sitting here on a Sunday afternoon drinking, crying, writing, and letting The Cure drive me into insanity?
Because he haunts my dreams. Because I have not paid enough for my transgressions. I will not allow myself to climb from this pit. I will not allow myself to end my life either. I will stay here in the depths of this bleak black world, in this sea of blood, this hellish purgatory I have created in my mind for as long as it takes, fighting in neither direction. I must face the darkness. I MUST face myself.
3 comments
I know a similar feeling of being sad, and unable to kill yourself but at the same time, trying to punish yourself because of all the hurt you’ve caused. It’s a terrible place to be, and the worst of it is knowing that you did this to yourself. You’ve got a choice to carry on with your life and accept what you’ve done but move on – or you can continually punish yourself. I don’t know what to tell you, other than to try and be strong. Whatever you’ve done, no one can punish you more than yourself. I think in time, you will crawl out of the dark and sad place you’re in and accept yourself and your mistakes. No one is perfect; some people have done disgusting things and I know thinking about other people’s pains won’t make you feel better. But just know that you’re not alone, and that other people have hurt, been hurt and they’ve come out of it. Just give it time and you’ll learn not to be a prisoner of yourself. You’re not a bad person and your guilt shows it.
I do know how it feels. It hurts as hell but you need to let time bury the pain. You know it sounds like being selfish when you feel guilty. Though these feelings shouldn’t hurt you for a lifetime. Face yourself, and don’t forget the good memories like the bad ones as well.
its the truelove/suicide formula, it also makes one the antichrist cuz you’re so full of rage to not be pretty or desirable enough for love and god hated you!