I’ve always questioned everything. I have no desire to conform to the societal “norm”. I get depressed when I’m faced with the reality that I have to conform in order to live how I want to live. But how is it living at all? It’s modern slavery. I don’t want to die, so what else can I do? I had no say in this. I had no choice. I was born and now here I am. I’m stuck in this body, on this planet, in this country, in my town. I didn’t choose any of this. This was put upon me and now I have to suck it up and deal. I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how to re-enter into society after being at home for 3 years in almost complete isolation. How do I even begin? The real problem here – I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being humiliated. I’m terrified of others. I’m terrified of being judged. How do I get past this in order to join the herd?
This is why. This is why I’ve been home for 3 years. This is why I’m here. I’ve stayed because I was accepted; finally. Finally, someone who agrees! The world is not like this place. I’m not comfortable out there. I never was. But it’s all come to a head now. I have to try. I have to face my fears. The way I am now, I’m not really living anyway. I have no possibility and no future staying stuck in one place. I want to live. There are things I want to do and see and experience; I’m just scared.
That’s all for now. Here’s a song. :]
haha.
24 comments
Accept what is.
If you want flowers to grow around you, you’ve got to go where the flowers grow. You don’t have to change who you are, but learning to interface with society is a lot like finding that place where the flowers are at. 😛
I say that despite the fact that I’m in exactly the same boat. LOL
It’s never easy.
Lol, thanks orangish. I don’t like this boat. :[
hey good luck with all that, do you have a plan of where you are going to start? college, some sort of focused vocational training program? I agree with you it is a tough choice, it just comes down to like you said how do you want to live, and what does it take to live the way you want to live. Sadly when you want things you have to pay for them and end up paying for them and end up enslaved in some horrible boring monotonous hell for 40+ hours a week so that you can spend whatever time you have left each week trying to do the things you wanted to do 🙁
Actually though when you say in this country in this town I still think though we are lucky to live in the country we live in. In other countries it could have been much worse. I think I was reading an article the other day where a little girl in india was born premature and the hospital took the child out of the incubator and let it die because the parents couldnt pay like 3 dollars 🙁
It is terrifying though but the longer you wait the more terrifying it will become so if you feel like you have to make the change and try for something else the sooner the better. Even to the point where if you wait to long it might become just about impossible
I have no plan whatsoever. haha. Actually my plan is to just start applying for different jobs and hoping. I skipped going to college because I don’t have the money and I’m not really interested in it. I figured it would be a huge waste to go not knowing what I wanted to do. Not to mention a debt hanging over my head with no money to pay it back with. That’s the thing, I don’t want to be enslaved in a horrible, boring, monotonous hell for the rest of my life. I kinda want to have a tantrum and scream that it’s not fair. lol. There’s just no other way that I can think of. I can’t rough it in the forest.
I suppose we’re lucky, but, tbh, I can see our country heading that way. It seems as though it is, anyway.
Yes, you’re right. The longer I wait, the more terrified I become. I’ve noticed that..
well college could be a debt but even with a college diploma or some sort of technical school certificate you would probably end up with a crappy job, but without the job will probably be even crappier and pay even less. It seems like if its been that long and you haven’t been working, and had no income and all that, you should be able to qualify for some type of financial aid grants or what not. Maybe get a good chunk of it paid that way rather then having to take out loans, and it might make your transition back easier since you already have years of experience at taking classes, it might be a lot less anxiety then going straight into a job.
Yeah, I’ve thought about all of that. The smart thing to do, if I were to go to school, would be to learn a trade that is in demand now. I’m just a completely hopeless person because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and nothing seems to interest me much. :/
@WhatAmIDoingHere: story of my life. College for computer science = very sparse pickings for jobs, and that’s if I even wanted to pursue that in the first place. I hate computers. Yuck.
Wish I studied anthropology instead.
I can’t comment on what the employment and education situation is like in the USA, but I do know that – where I live – a University degree is definitely worth pursuing. It may not be the initial 3 year undergraduate degree that sets the path, rather is may be the Graduate Diploma or Masters that will put you on a career path.
What you also need to remember is that most colleges (i’m guessing it’s the same everywhere) provide networking opportunities. Many people going to Uni here tend to get jobs before they get out. That said, there are others that do struggle to find work once they graduate. However, those that are dedicated to and passionate about what they study appear to do better than those that just studying something ‘to get a good job at the end’. This probably explains why we have an oversupply of Law graduates…
Apparently unemployment is at a little over 8%. Which I don’t believe to be the true number, I believe it’s much higher. Or maybe I’m just being pessimistic. I can’t really comment on the education situation in the US either. Most articles I read either make it sound completely depressing or that the ticket to a job is a degree in such and such. So I don’t know what to believe. Where are you from sansesperer, if you don’t mind my asking? Most people have tried to convince me to go to college ‘to get a good job at the end’.
lol anthropology, my sister has a bachelors in physical anthropology…it allowed her to get a cushy job mixing drinks at starbucks, she actually went back after that and did a I forget how long I think it was maybe 10 months accelerated training program for nursing to be an lvn
You cannot live your life controlled by fear. You have to do what’s best for you despite what other people think. You are the best person to answer what’s best for you. The only opinion that counts is your own, it’s your life, right?
I know I can’t live my life controlled by fear. It’s so much easier said than done. I’m going to have to brainwash myself somehow. Being humiliated is probably my worst fear. I feel weak from so many months of depression that I don’t know how much I can take. Though, I know you’re right. It’s my life and I have to do what’s best for me.
As a side note, I kinda missed you lucy4.
I think most people fear humiliation I mean isn’t that why public speaking is such a big fear? You are afraid you are going to embarass yourself in front of everyone.
Oh, I’m terrified of public speaking. lol. Maybe most people fear humiliation, but does it cripple them?
@ TheGoodGirl; In my humble opinion, you are a quality human being. Thank you for your kind words, I got faith in ya kiddo.
Life isn’t easy for most people, but if I were a betting man I’d put money down that you’d finish in the winners circle. (I may have just compared you to a race horse. 🙂 No offense meant).
Thank you for the kind words, lucy4. Lol, a race horse. You’ve been spending too much time around the Duke. ;]
I don’t know that would probably depend on how likely they are to be humiliated and how many people might witness it, but how much worse has it gotten for you in the last 3 years? I bet when you were still in school and actually had to go out and interact everyday it wasn’t nearly as crippling. So hopefully after getting back into things you will kind of get back to where you were
How much worse has it gotten? Hm, I’m not sure how to measure it, but it has gotten worse. It wasn’t too crippling in school, but I was still terrified. You know, every year before school started complete dread washed over me. As if I had never been there before. And I’ve always been that way. Usually once I adjust it’s not so bad and I think what was I even afraid of. But that thought doesn’t seem to comfort me or lessen the fear any.
Goodgirl, hi. Don’t think we ‘spoke’ before. You make me think of my son, who I’ve posted about extensively here as you probably noticed, and if you commented I apologise for not remembering. You’ve been ‘at home’ for three years, and now getting back ‘out there’ is looking progressively harder and scarier.
You sound to me like you’ve got a lot to offer the world Goodgirl. I’ve noticed your thoughtful and compassionate responses on other people’s threads and thought how nice you sounded.
That said it would seem you are so very far from being alone in your predicament GG. There seems to be an epidemic these days of socially anxious young people who barely leave their houses and feel totally alientaed from society and hopeless about finding their place within it.
The reasons, sociological and otherwise? Well, they’re probably somewhat irrelevant. It’s more helpful to think about how to help the situation, and what to do.
I notice how intelligent you are GG. But I also hear the depression which is contributing to you feeling you have few interests and no idea what you want to do at college or as a job.
I wouldn’t suggest committing to a college course while having no real interest in your chosen subject. As you say, that costs money and you don’t want to commit to something you’re half-hearted about in any case.
I think the idea of getting a grant/government subsidy to study something – anything! or do some vocational training is the best one, if it’s at all possible. That way you could ease yourself back into social interaction, a routine etc, without ending up out of pocket or having all the pressure on you of knowing you’re going to end up in debt when you might not even make it through the course.
Voluntary work might be something to consider, for similar reasons.
But I know you have already thought of these things GG. You’re a very thoughtful girl/young woman. Trouble is you are probably ‘overthinking’ a lot of this stuff. I know, because I do the same thing. My own head can and often does, drive me round the bend. We just go around and around in our heads.
Sometimes it’s actually better NOT to look before you leap. Have you read the book ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’? Well the title sort of says it all. You get my drift.
You need to make a start on some action, not spend another three years thinking yourself into a (suicidal) stupor GG.
I mean that kindly.
We love you. Zoe x
Hi Zoe, wow, thank you for reply to my post. No, I don’t believe we have ‘spoken’ before, but I have ‘seen you around’. haha. I have read some of the things you posted about your son – I believe you said he was 16? And he isolates himself in his room most of the time? I think I read that post, but I didn’t comment, even though I was thinking it sounded just like me. I spend a good majority of my time in my room or on the internet. I used argue with my mom a lot, until I told her I was suicidal, we haven’t really had any fights since. Aren’t you from London? (hope I don’t sound like a stalker) You’re up so early! haha.
Yes, I’ve been home for so long the thought of getting back out in the world looks harder and scarier all the time. I would have no idea how many socially anxious people my age there are until I found this site. If I hadn’t, I would feel even more alone in it. Sometimes I still do feel alone in my predicament despite knowing that’s not the case.
Oh, I am definitely an over-thinker, Zoe. I can relate to that going around and around in my head very well. For a short time I tried not thinking about anything, or not worrying about anything, but it didn’t last long. It takes so much self discipline to stop thinking about stuff so much. I haven’t read the book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’. Who is the author? I might look into that. I’ve been trying to do the self-help thing ever since my doctor recommended a psychologist. I really don’t have the money for that, and I’d rather see if I can help myself first. So, I know that I need to make a start – take action – and change some things. I just have to feel the fear and do it anyway, I suppose.
I do think depression is contributing to my non-interest in college or jobs. Though, when I left high school I wasn’t sure then either. I had a couple of interests, but I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through with it. I didn’t want to do it half-heartedly, like you said. So, I didn’t have much interest before and I guess depression made it worse. It killed any interests I might have had. I really lack the motivation to do a lot of things. I’ve thought about volunteering recently because I thought it would give me something to do and some references and experience, so it would help me get a job. I’m just not sure how much volunteering there is where I live. I should say that I live in a rural area and I need to travel to get anywhere. I have a license to drive, but no car, and I’m afraid of that too. lol. So I would rely on my parents for transport. We don’t have public transport out here. I think this hinders me too.
Anyway, thank you for your kind words and compliments, I appreciate them. I like your input. You and Dawg are like the SP mum and dad. haha. :] I’m off to bed, good, er, morning.
I’m from Australia. The economy and employment situation is better than in the USA (official unemployment is around 5% here. I don’t believe that a college education alone will lead to better job prospects; but a combination of a college education and strong work ethic will take you a long way. Of course, it’s easier to work on something if you’re passionate about it.
There’s no point in scraping through a degree in something that is supposedly going to lead to a ‘good job’, as you may end up being one of these people with a qualification that can’t get a role. It’s better to kick ass at something that might not necessarily be mainstream; other opportunities may present themselves. At the very least, getting good grades in an unrelated discipline looks better than crap grades in a degree related to the job you’re applying for.
At 5%, I’ll say it’s better. I agree about having a strong work ethic and an education; unfortunately I’m lacking in both of those.
Yes, I always disagreed about going to college and getting a bunk degree in the hopes of landing a good job. Like I told Zoe, I haven’t the slightest interest in much of anything. But if I were passionate about something, I’d probably do it.
Is it tomorrow you can’t wait for or today, sansesperer? I hope the Zinger Burger alone makes you change your mind. :] Good night all.
@WhatAmIDoingHere: Re: Anthropology. I’d still rather have that knowledge occupying my gray matter than the stuff that’s currently taking up residence. Don’t really care too much about the financial side of things.
GoodGirl, the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ is by one of America’s finest self-help gurus Susan Jeffers. Well, I hope you get something from it, even if it’s only the title…
Hey that’s a sweet and flattering comment about me being the SP mum! I try GG, but that probably makes you the ‘big sis’ in this strange, dysfunctional family of ours…
I’d probably have to start signing myself off with something different each time, if Dawg hadn’t beaten me to it and put his trademark on it. But since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery here goes…
Maternal Zx